c/o Olivia Berger

The other night I was complaining to Doe about all my classic issues. One of them being: why are there no single, attractive, straight guys crossing my path? Are my standards too high? If any of you are fiending after your rom-com moment like I am, then I’m sure you recognize these thought loops. But mid-pity party, I realized that I’ve been looking for the wrong thing. My diet of rom-coms and love songs has tricked me into having the expectation that my soulmate is going to magically intercept my path, and I will instantly know that this is the love of my life. While this is not necessarily impossible (I’m still holding out hope!), it feels unfair to myself to just sit and wait for my perfect partner to show up. However, as Doe reminded me, you CAN be active in the search for love. But for many of us, we don’t even know where to start. 

Firstly, we have to get clear on who and what we want. Sit down and write a list of all of the qualities that you would love in your partner. This could be anything from “smart and career-driven” to “has dimples.” You can also think about how you want to feel with this person, and the corresponding qualities that would evoke that feeling. For example, I want to feel safe and protected in a relationship; therefore, I’m looking for someone who’s grounded, caring, and empathetic. Even though I have a clear sense of who I ultimately want to be with in a partnership, it’s important to remember that we’re looking for the foundation on which to build this relationship. We have an idea of what we want our relationship to look like, but that needs to be built over time. So, when scouting for a soulmate, focus on the potential to build a deeper relationship, as this often isn’t pre-existing the first time we meet someone. 

Now that we have an idea of who and what we’re looking for, let’s brainstorm where we could find someone like this. Obviously it’s not a hard science, but it’s helpful to have an awareness of the circumstances and locations where we could encounter this type of person. For example, if you want to connect with a bookworm who loves to read as much as you do, then a bookstore, library, or book club could be places for you to keep an eye out for someone special. This also helps us realize where we probably won’t find a relationship. I stand by the fact that love can pop up in unexpected places, but if you’re constantly leaving bar night or a club feeling disappointed that you didn’t connect with anyone beyond the surface level, you might have expectations that aren’t aligned with the locations you’re visiting. On the other hand, if you’re just after a bit of flirty fun, then a club or bar might be the perfect place for you. 

Once you’ve established the who and where, all you’ve got to do is actively seek connections. Even just a smile and a “hi” can go a long way. It helps that you already have a shared interest with everyone you meet in these spaces, so there’s always an easy conversation starter. 

All this being said, there really is no strict formula to find the love of your life. The beautiful—and frustrating—thing about love is that it is largely out of our control. But hopefully these tips can help you recognize your own passivity and regain some agency in the search for your soulmate. 

Lots of love, 

Dill and Doe