A couple of months back, my girlfriend and I separated painfully but mutually. It is hard to realize that someone you loved for so long would no longer be part of your present and future. 

The process of healing has been a lot like mourning: no contact with them, an empty hole in my heart where they once lived, and lots of crying—even still as I approach six months of separation. The fact of the matter is that your person, the one who once gave you an endless amount of love, support, and intimacy on demand is no longer in that role. It is not only natural, but expected that loneliness will rear its head. 

Now, I want to be clear that I don’t know all the answers. And honestly, my heart still aches from time to time. However, I have become quite good at mothering myself through this mourning process, learning as I go, and finding the space to tend to my heartache without spiraling into sadness. Here are the things that have brought me relief throughout my journey. 

 

Step One: Reminding yourself why it ended 

During the mourning process, sometimes the mind can wander toward romanticizing the past, but neither your partner nor your relationship was perfect. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: if you and your ex were meant to be together, you would be together. Loving may come with compromise, but if you are with the right person, those compromises will be easy, or at least manageable. Trust that if the relationship was meant to be, you would be together. 

So what was the reason for your breakup? It is time to get very clear with yourself. This period of mourning is useful to clarify what worked for us and what didn’t so that we can go into our future relationships and friendships with this insight.

Step Two: Allowing space for your fears to be voiced

There are a lot of heavy moments of fear that will live inside you after a breakup. Ignoring those fears, I’ve learned, will only elongate the process of healing. Consider taking some time to voice them, so they can be released and not live in your body. It sounds corny, but it works, I promise. Talk to someone (a therapist or trusted friend) or write in your journal. Anything to just get it out. You can just begin each sentence with “I am afraid.” Ex: I am afraid that this loneliness will not be remedied and that I will not feel safe within myself. Just allowing this space to voice your fears that came out of the breakup is a powerful way to release the power they have over you.  

Step Three: Sharing 

While loneliness is natural, you can do things to help bridge the gaps of separation you feel. Sure, your friends and family may have no idea how your particular brand of pain feels because they have no idea what happened in your relationship, but acknowledging to your friends or family, something like “I’m hurting a little extra today,” (an exact sentence I have uttered) will help you feel more supported in your breakup. You do not have to carry this pain alone. You may not have your ex, but do not forget that you still have a network of love around you. Your friends and family can help to get you out of your head when needed, and also make you feel safe in your grief. While you may feel alone, you do not have to be alone. 

Step Four: Forgiving your ex 

You may be angry with your ex, hurting deeply and wanting them to feel pain. But this was a person that you loved, maybe even for a long time. Try to locate that love and acceptance you had for them, even during your breakup. 

If it helps, try to think of forgiveness as a selfish act. You are choosing to forgive them, forgive their faults, and maybe even be grateful for what you two shared as an act of self-love. You do not want to hold on to that pain of resentment. Holding that pain and resentment causes you to cling to unwanted negativity. Forgiveness allows you to move forward instead of living in the past. Forgiveness allows you to release them. 

Step Five: Self-knowledge and meeting your own needs

This is your time in the world to belong to yourself. To become your own lover, best friend, and mother. You do not have to be defined by your emotions, but let them be a communication of a need, which you, as your own lover/best friend, can meet. All that’s required is taking inventory of what works. What calms you down when you’re experiencing anxiety? Is a distraction needed, a phone call with friends, exercise, or organizing your home? 

I’ll be honest, it takes conscious work to not wallow in the sadness and spiral. Being sad about a breakup can so easily lead to isolation and self-abandonment. However, we do not need to create worlds of suffering out of a moment of despair. We just need to listen to the needs that our bodies are communicating. 

Step Six: Be sad when you’re sad and happy when you’re happy. 

Pairing well with step five, a massive part of healing is allowing yourself to feel everything. It is not wrong, and it does not have to make sense, either. You can cry; in fact, you should cry. There will be many intense emotions that you will be experiencing—they may even be layers of emotions, like internal sadness while you’re out having a good time. 

 

If you are going through a breakup, I hope you know that you are loved and supported, even in your sadness. Sadness and loneliness will ebb and flow. I promise that, with time, it will get easier to let them go and live into new narratives for yourself.

 

We love you!

Dill & Doe