As someone with incessant mental chatter cluttering up my headspace at all times, I am well-versed in “should” thoughts: “I should call my parents,” “I should go do my homework right now,” “I should break up with my partner.” Sometimes this mental voice is right (e.g. I really do need to go do my homework right now). But a lot of the time this voice is my nifty little anxiety piping up. Unfortunately, an anxious inner dialogue can sound frustratingly similar to intuition, so how can we decipher anxious thought loops from inner wisdom?

I have found that asking yourself two questions can help with spotting anxious thoughts disguised as intuition: “Do I NEED to do this?” and “Do I WANT to do this?” If the answer to either of these questions is a yes, then your “should” thought can be seen as guidance for you to trust and follow. For example, I might have thoughts telling me that I should do my homework. Even though I do not want to do this, I definitely need to before tomorrow. Because my answer to “Do I need to do this?” is a yes, I can be fairly confident that it’s in my greatest interest to listen to this voice and go do my homework.

While these “should” thoughts are easy to spot in a simple example like the one above, they can be a bit trickier to deal with when it comes to love and friendships. In a relationship context, this can look like constantly questioning if you should break up with your partner or express hidden feelings for someone. Especially for those of us who are anxiously attached or are blessed with a fear of commitment, this constant questioning can make it hard to actually enjoy our relationships.

So let’s say we notice an anxious thought loop concerning whether we should break up with our partner. Even when we’re on a cute date with them or enjoying sweet moments, there’s a nagging voice in our minds questioning if this is really the right relationship for us. Great, we’ve recognized that there are these unhelpful thought patterns littering our minds. Now, let’s do our little exercise. We ask ourselves the golden questions: Do we NEED to break up with our partner? Looking at our relationship, we can see that we feel happy and safe when we’re with them, reassured and calm even when we’re apart, and there’s a solid foundation of communication and love. We can see that there is no need for us to break up with our partner. Now, do we WANT to? If the answer’s still no, then we can conclude that this little voice is just a projection of our fears, and confidently SHUT IT DOWN.

Now that we have practice quieting that anxious voice in our heads, it will become so much easier to recognize when it’s piping up. Self-soothing and reassuring can feel impossible in the beginning, but it is a muscle that can be strengthened with practice. Being able to reassure yourself in a relationship takes the pressure off of your partner to constantly do it for you. Even outside a relationship context, this practice will allow you to have more trust in yourself and your own decision-making, which feels so empowering! 

So those are our words of wisdom for this week. We’re back on our weekly schedule, so we’ll see you next Thursday for some more musings on all things love, sex, and relationships. 

XOXO, 

Dill & Doe