This article is a satire and is not based entirely in fact. All opinions belong to the author alone.
I’m fed up with this fricking crypto junk.
When Summerfields first started using Eco-2-Go containers, where students exchange tokens for to-go boxes, I’ll admit I was enthusiastic. Streamlining the payment process was a good thing, and decentralized control of the late-night token seemed like a viable, anti-inflationary approach. But now, after the crypto winter has led to a full-on bear market, I don’t understand how the administration can continue to justify this volatile coin.
I would like to write to you all about the noodle bowl (savory, perfectly boiled eggs, fully completed with the choice of pork belly, a lovely though salty and heavy addition. Order in person to receive in a hearty bowl with freshly chopped scallions—7/10). Or even the chipotle turkey sandwich (bread grilled to a crispy delicacy. Though sometimes heavy on the turkey, the avocado and chipotle mayo freshly complement the meat. Paired with a side of rice and beans, the sandwich is one of the more filling items on the menu. A shame neither it nor the noodle bowl are offered after 9 p.m.—8/10). However, because all anyone wants to talk about is chalk and how phenomenal “Twelfth Night” was, I’m forced to bring this issue to the public.
First off, let’s talk about transparency. Bon Appétit has yet to release any of the blockchain algorithms underlying this currency. And boy, let me tell you, I am skeptical. This past winter, the price per container jumped exponentially from 1 to 7.5 tokens. Where do they come up with these numbers? While rampant Dem-flation might account for some of these price swings, the unpredictable volatility makes Summies tokens a risky asset to invest in.
What’s worse, students purchase tokens with points, ANOTHER form of fake money. In computer science, that’s what we call “multiple levels of abstraction.” In the financial world, that’s what we call “get your money the hell out of there.”
If you’re banking on rigorous oversight, bank elsewhere. The administration clearly refuses to regulate the market, claiming the Summies’ crypto market is already a “safe enough space.”
“We need inquiry, compromise, and reflection,” Roth wrote in his recent book by the same name, towards a spirit of “open-mindedness and pragmatic idealism.”
Nice sentiments, though one can’t help but wonder who will benefit if the Bilaterally Integrated Token, Choice Of and In the NESCAC (B.I.T.C.O.I.N) collapses.
And it doesn’t help that the student Bon Appétit union workers demand that their pension plans include token portfolios, which will inevitably drive up both the legitimacy and price of the Summies token.
Summies employee Isaiah Koenig ’25 echoed the appreciation to deregulate. “We’ve got to decentralize,” he texted in a message to The Argus. “U know?”
Yet worrying financial reports from the Freshman Trade eXodus (FTX) have thrown into question the long-term sustainability of the system.
To incentivize users, Summies recently announced students can now stake their tokens, a practice that allows crypto holders to earn interest on their investments. The form of interest? Sweet potato fries. Not even regular potatoes. God dammit.
The eatery is also offering a commission system to employees in the hope that greater rewards will result in better enforcement when students use the takeout containers to eat the breakfast special.
(There seems no right way to eat eggs at Summies, though the special’s pancakes alone are worth the price of admission—unless, of course, that price includes tokens, in which case, see article above. They are always complemented well by a visit to the fruit baskets—6/10).
“Working at Summies is great because crypto holdings are nontaxable!” employee Diana Tran ’26 texted in a message to The Argus. “That’s why I always make sure to see that green check mark — every token purchased means more crypto for me.”
Somebody call the SEC.
My message to you, late-night diners: get your money out of Summies’ crypto tokens before reUser uses you.
A note from the author:
As an AI chatbot, while I can’t advise on financial decisions, I would advise that you consider the potential benefits of such a system before making any hasty decisions. ChatGPT recommends the use of blockchain technology, which, unlike the U.S. dollar, incentivizes a secure and transparent market. These technologies can prompt environmentally conscious behavior in the otherwise pea-brained human consumer.
So, before you rush to withdraw your Summies tokens, perhaps take a moment to consider the bigger picture. In the token’s case, the benefits of faster, more secure transactions may outweigh the risks of price fluctuations. Also, have you heard of NFTs?
The quote from President Michael S. Roth ’78 was taken from his book Safe Enough Spaces. This quote has been used out of context for the purpose of this satirical article.
Thomas Lyons can be reached at email@example.com.