Banging Eats with Feats is a column dedicated to Wesleyan students’ favorite recipes and the stories behind them. Send us a recipe that’s important to you and let us know why! The form is online.

Thanksgiving is around the corner once again, bringing with it sentiments of gratitude, loads of carbs and, for me, a struggle with my national identity. Thanksgiving is the quintessential American holiday. Alas, I am not the quintessential American. I was born in the United States to immigrant parents, but I moved away at the age of 10 and did not return until I began college. 

Every year, I have struggled to decide what it means to be an American. Is it enough to have been born here? Is there a certain amount of time I need to live here before I qualify? There have always been cultural references made by my peers that fly over my head, because there are tons of American movies, music, and art that my parents, who are both Jamaican, never introduced me to.

Does that exclude me from American culture? Am I less American because I hold two passports? How do my Blackness and femininity intersect with my Americanness? For much of my life, my Americanness has been defined for me by friends, relatives, and classmates, especially since I have lived in countries where my nationality made me stand out, more than race, gender or any other identity. 

I only began to untangle the web of anxieties and uncertainties around my nationality about two years ago, during my senior year of high school, which I completed at an international boarding school in the Netherlands. Funnily enough, it was writing my college applications that prompted me to think more deeply about what it means to me to be an American.

It was around Thanksgiving, which was also the time I was applying to colleges. I had been working on my Common App personal essay for weeks. You’d think with all the different experiences I’ve had throughout my life—living in three different countries, attending a weird, fancy, somewhat cult-y boarding school—I’d have lots to write about. But I was stuck. I couldn’t seem to find a way to frame my life story in 650 words or fewer that didn’t feel like a laundry list of my life experiences.

“Discuss an accomplishment, event, or realization that sparked a period of personal growth and a new understanding of yourself or others,” the prompt asked me.

There didn’t seem to be just one event that I could pinpoint that made me the person I am today, until that Thanksgiving. As per tradition, all the Americans at my boarding school organized a Thanksgiving dinner. Each of us made a dish or two and brought it, along with a friend of any nationality, to our dining hall, where we all ate our meal. We even went around the table and said what we were grateful for.

It was no traditional American Thanksgiving meal. Not only did we not have access to key ingredients that would’ve been easily accessible at home, we were also all so different; we hailed from every corner of the country, and our families came from all over the world. The only thing any of us really shared was our citizenship. But bringing together the variety of our experiences was what made it one of the best meals of my life. Though my mom’s mac and cheese, a dish that’s a hit from here to Helsinki, certainly didn’t hurt. 

This was the first time that I truly enjoyed Thanksgiving.  It was no longer some foreign tradition that my family imitated out of a need to assimilate to American culture. It was my way to celebrate the friends who had become like family when my own family was thousands of miles away. It inspired what I still consider to be one of my best essays, the one that got me to Wesleyan, to a whole new family of friends, with different perspectives to learn from. 

“I found a significant solace this year in the American community,” I wrote in my Common App personal essay. “Though we share a country of origin, we are the most diverse community on campus. Our heritages include many different places, and our differences make our common experiences all the more valuable; hence, the time we spend together is all the more fulfilling. It was at Thanksgiving dinner that I became truly grateful for the diverse community around me, and the ones I had the privilege of growing up in. I realized that the best thing about all the places I’ve lived is that they’re composed of a remarkable combination of races, ethnicities, and backgrounds. I value, more than ever, the national motto that Jamaica shares with the US: ‘Out of many, one.’”

Now, without further ado, here’s the recipe for the macaroni and cheese that got me into college (and it’s even cheesier than my intro):

 Sulan’s (Literally) World-Renowned Ooey Gooey Baked Macaroni-and-Cheese 

Ingredients

• 1 standard pack of elbow macaroni (any brand)
• 1 stick (8 tablespoons) of butter
• ½ cup of flour (optional)
• 1 pinch of kosher salt
• 1 cup of breadcrumbs (or crumbled butter crackers, like Ritz)
• 4 packs (about 32 ounces) of shredded sharp cheddar cheese (I prefer to shred 4 blocks by hand)
• 1 pack of shredded mozzarella cheese
• 1 egg
• ¾ cup of milk (some people use evaporated milk, but I find it doesn’t make a huge difference)
• 1 can of cream of mushroom soup (I like Campbell’s)
• 1 sprinkle of smoked paprika powder (optional)

Method

• Preheat your oven to 375 F. Prepare a baking pan with dimensions of roughly 13in x 9in x 2in with oil, butter, or cooking spray.
• Bring a large pot of water to a boil. When the water is boiling, add a pinch of salt and the macaroni. Make sure to stir it every few minutes to prevent it from sticking. After 8–10 minutes, strain the macaroni. 
• While the water is boiling, put a medium skillet on low heat and melt the butter.
• Once the butter is melted, add the milk. Gradually add the flour while stirring until the mixture has a thicker consistency.
• Add the egg. Keep the heat low and make sure to stir very slowly, to avoid scrambling the egg. 
• Gradually add the cheddar cheese. My preferred method is to add one or two handfuls, then stir until they’ve completely incorporated before adding more. 
• Add the strained macaroni back to the original pot, then add the cheese sauce, cream of mushroom soup, and half of the breadcrumbs to the same pot. Mix well. 
• Transfer the macaroni to your prepared baking pan. Top with mozzarella cheese, breadcrumbs, and paprika. 
• Transfer the pan to the oven and bake for 35–40 minutes.

This recipe will serve 10–12 people. It’s easy to double for bigger gatherings. Enjoy, and Happy Thanksgiving!
Sulan Bailey can be reached at sabailey@wesleyan.edu.