I’ve never seen “The Lion King.” I’ve never seen “Pulp Fiction.” I’ve never seen “Star Wars,” or “Star Trek,” or “The Parent Trap,” or “Forrest Gump,” or “The Godfather,” or “Clueless,” or “Groundhog Day,” or many other iconic movies that my parents tell me I have to watch. However, I have seen 50 horror movies. Here is my completely subjective, kind of convoluted reviews of all of them.

Would recommend that everyone watches:

1. “Get Out” (2017) has to be the movie to begin this ranking. I’m a big Jordan Peele fan; these three really are my holy trinity. If you haven’t seen “Get Out,” what are you waiting for?
2. “Us” (2019) is terrifying. I loved it so much that after watching it for the first time, I immediately rewatched it again the day after. 
3. “Nope” (2022) is such a unique take on what aliens on Earth could look like. It includes all the parts of an amazing scary movie: horses, a killer chimp, and Steven Yeun in a cowboy costume. Also, Keke Palmer is phenomenal.
4. “Jennifer’s Body” (2009) is a movie for gay people. However, it loses a couple of points in my head because I can’t watch it without being reminded that Jennifer (Megan Fox) married Machine Gun Kelly. 
5. “The Descent” (2005) is one of my favorite movies. Probably because I was a gay middle-schooler and this is a movie about six women who rock climb.
6. “Cabin in the Woods” (2012) is another movie that I think I enjoy more than the general population does, but I’m a sucker for a good horror-comedy. Plus, Wesleyan representation from Bradley Whitford ’81!
7. “Fear Street Part One: 1994” (2021) combines 90’s nostalgia, sapphism, and just the right amount of camp in one of my favorite recent horror movies. 
8. “Fear Street Part Two: 1978” (2021) was somehow even better than its predecessor, in my opinion. Something about summer camp just makes it the perfect setting for gory murder.
9. “28 Days Later” (2003) has multiple endings and multiple girlbosses.
10. “Saw” (2004) inspires my hot take that everyone in this movie is gay, as well as my other hot take that it’s unironically one of the greatest horror movies ever.
11. “Train to Busan” (2016) will end with you in tears.
12. “Hereditary” (2018) had me quaking and quivering and crying and fearing for my life. One of the few movies where I could not bring myself to look at the screen during certain scenes because I was so terrified.
13. “A Classic Horror Story” (2021) is another movie that I enjoyed so much that I rewatched it immediately the day after. It has plenty of fun twists and turns and is anything but a classic horror story.

Iconic and classic horror movies that are worth watching, but did not change my world fundamentally:

1. “Scream” (1996) is a movie I remember loving when I first watched it in middle school. Now, if you were to ask me to recall a single scene after the first one, I don’t think I could.
2. “The Texas Chain Saw Massacre” (1974) is only 83 minutes long, so even if you hate it you’re only losing a little over an hour of your life hating it. Not saying that I hated it, but even if I did, it would not have impacted my life monumentally.
3. “The Ring” (2002) did not resonate for me personally because I am not afraid of a little girl, even if she can do a backbend. 
4. “The Silence of the Lambs” (1991) is one of my childhood friend’s dad was in this movie. See if you can guess which one he was. 
5. “Nightmare on Elm Street” (1984) is just Wolverine if he used his powers for evil.
6. “The Blair Witch Project” (1999) is a recent rewatch that left me pleasantly surprised. I didn’t find the characters as annoying as I did upon my first watch, and the ending was scarier than I remembered. Plus, I’m a sucker for Maryland representation.
7. “The Sixth Sense” (1999) is a must-watch if you want to understand the M. Night Shyamalan hype. Watch “Split” (2016) if you want to understand the death of M. Night Shyamalan hype.
8. “The Shining” (1980) is creepy. It’s scary. It’s not my favorite movie in the world but it’s also essential, foundational horror.
9. “The Purge” (2013) has inspired fan theories about what the best Purge strategy that are more entertaining than the actual movie.
10. “The Conjuring” (2013) is great! I can recognize that this is a good movie. But I feel so ambivalent about it that there is no other way for me to describe it other than as a good movie.

The good, the bad, and the ugly: Remakes and sequels

1. “Saw II” (2005) is good if you’re the kind of person who loves an escape room. Bad if you’re looking for a decent horror movie.
2. “Saw III” (2006) is not worth watching.
3. “The Forever Purge” (2021) boldly asks: is anyone still watching these movies? If so, do you actually enjoy them?
4. “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” (2022) is kind of exactly what you would expect from a Texas Chainsaw Massacre movie made in 2022. Elsie K. Fisher finally graduates from “Eighth Grade,” (2018) comes out as gay, and starts fighting serial killers.
5. “It” (2017), with all peace and love to Stephen King fanatics, simply does not do it for me.
6. “Carrie” (2013) forces me to immediately contradict myself, because Stephen King kind of killed this one. Comfort movie for teenage girls with mommy issues (me). 
7. “The Descent 2” (2009) is not worth watching unless you have a deep love for Prince Charming from “Once Upon A Time” and are seeking to view his entire filmography. Or have a deep hatred for him and want to watch him get torn apart by flesh-eating monsters.

Movies that are better than mid, but not quite in the must-watch tier:

1. “Candyman” (2021) is an amazing display of how puppetry can enhance a horror movie.
2. “Bodies Bodies Bodies” (2022) brilliance is best described in our recent review by Executive Editor Jem Shin ’23. Needless to say, we both loved it.
3. “Midsommar” (2019) asks if maybe the real monster was white people all along.
4. “The Babadook” (2014) can be best summarized by saying that the B in LGBT stands for Babadook, and the A in Babadook stands for Annoying little kid who spends half the movie screaming. 
5. “Zombieland” (2009) is a favorite for me because, as mentioned earlier, I’m a sucker for a good horror-comedy. 

Mid:

1. “They/Them” (2022) conflicts me. On one hand, 99% of this cast is canonically LGBT+! On the other hand, 100% of this cast is canonically annoying. 
2. “It Follows” (2015) is deeply unsettling. Don’t have sex, because you will get pregnant and die.
3. “A Quiet Place” (2018) shows Jim from “The Office” finally getting what he deserves (not John Krasinski, Jim).
4. “Lights Out” (2016) was mid when I watched it in middle school and I don’t think my opinion would change if I rewatched it now.
5. “Truth or Dare” (2017) is riddled with plot holes. It’s not great, but it’s another one that’s good for people who like escape rooms.
6. “Truth or Dare” (2018) is an hour and 40 minute long cautionary tale against watching popular vloggers.
7. “Hush” (2016) might be the only movie that gets scarier once the killer takes off the mask. Not only is he a killer, but he’s also ugly.
8. “Black Phone” (2022) made me glad they didn’t show anything weird.
9. “As Above So Below” (2014) is a cautionary tale about the dangers of pursuing higher education, depicting the trials and tribulations of being a graduate student with a degree that has no practical use other than getting you killed.
10. “Ma” (2019) has hospitalized Octavia Spencer due to back pain after carrying this entire movie on her shoulders. 
11. “Resident Evil” (2002) strikes a perfect balance between boring and entertaining, making it an okay movie to watch and an excellent movie to play in the background while you are hooking up with someone.  
12. “The VVitch” (2015) has Anya Taylor Joy live out my dream life: flashing us with her bare ass, then floating into the moon. 

Bad:

1. “Unfriended” (2015) is a movie I watched for the first time recently, I think just last semester. The only scene that I actually remember is a teenager sticking his hand in a blender. What that says about the rest of the movie, you can interpret for yourself.
2. “What Keeps You Alive” (2018) is a bad movie. Like, it is inarguably not a good movie. However, watching it did scratch some itch in my brain that I didn’t know I had, and for some unexplainable reason, it still lives in my brain rent-free. Watch for evil lesbians.

Scooby Doo: The Movie

1. “Scooby Doo: The Movie” (2002) is not a horror movie, but it is one of the best films of our time and should be watched by everyone.

 

Kat Struhar can be reached at kstruhar@wesleyan.edu.