Content warning: This article contains references to suicide and suicidal thoughts. 

“Have you ever had thoughts about suicide?” I was asked a version of this question while trying to get extra time accommodations for exams in my STEM classes during my freshman year. My answer was initially, “no, I haven’t,” and, at the time, it was true. This answer, however, has changed during my time in college. I am not sure exactly what that answer would be now, but I still want to share a perspective on my thought process regarding it. My hope is that the school’s administration will become more aware and, hopefully, prevent future students of similar backgrounds from losing hope.

I don’t want to speak for other students, but, because of certain conversations that I have had, I know that I am not the only one who feels inadequately supported. I feel that the administration is aware that there is a problem, but I think there should be more dialogue, discussion, and action directed towards identifying the needs of students and providing solutions for underrepresented groups. I appreciate all the resources available, but unfortunately they mean very little when they are hard to use. Sometimes there are difficult moments that students choose not to share because it is depressing. Sometimes cultural or social backgrounds make it hard to open up about these kinds of topics. People at Wesleyan have been very kind and supportive towards me; nevertheless, it can be hard to open up to anybody.  

For many students, everything about attending a college like Wesleyan is new. Knowing how to navigate it while taking care of their health is important. One reason that I hesitate to write this is that I am not sure I am in the position to ask for more support; I already have a lot of privileges like free food and housing and I know that I am in a position of privilege. I personally know many people for whom many of the things I take for granted are an everyday struggle. But after all, it is my experience, and it is important to talk about it.

As an undocumented student, I have a status that I cannot share or should not share. Before my freshman year, I was given the option to come to campus during international orientation or along with all the domestic students. I did not necessarily fit into either group and I think there always has been a feeling of not belonging. This feeling is harmful to me because, since everyone has different backgrounds, there are not always others who can relate to my experience. Not being able to share part of my background sometimes makes it hard to open up to a place. It limits creating a mutual awareness and being honest about serious feelings. We cannot share because it’s better for us if less people know about our status; it has an impact on job opportunities, housing options, and everyday life. There is always the risk and fear of encountering malicious people that discriminate against those who immigrated to this country. The Trump administration was a traumatic time in many ways because these risks and fears were intensified. 

This leads me to another point: there are many traumas that aren’t spoken about for similar reasons. The decision to migrate and leave your land is usually hard to make. A lot of times it is not even a decision. For example, sometimes family members are ill; other times, family deaths occur and not being able to visit or have the option to go back at all is difficult. These are experiences that are not uncommon but are seldom spoken about openly. It can seem better to forget about it, but how can one forget when these experiences are intrinsically connected to identity? 

I don’t know how to navigate life in college as an undocumented student. While in college, there are many things to juggle: academics, social life, and personal life. This is a lot to deal with and it is hard to find a balance among these things. They can cause burnout and exhaustion. This has come to affect my own health and social life. Depression, social anxiety, and feeling lonely are awful experiences. I like to spend time with friends and meet people, but many times I have felt excluded, as if I don’t fit in or belong. But those are my honest feelings. I like to spend time on my own and with my family without having to worry about an assignment due the following week. I also like to spend time on my academic work without feeling like it’s a drag or a mere thing that I have to complete. I’m still trying to figure out if it’s possible for my education to feel like the development and pursuit of intellectual curiosity rather than just mindlessly doing tasks and assignments.

I am glad I came to Wesleyan. I have met wonderful friends and have had the opportunity to discover many things. Professors have always been very understanding and I think they genuinely care about students. But the transition and integration still could’ve been smoother. 

I acknowledge that I’ve been quite vague because I’m not sure about concrete solutions. However, I think a good start would be to look at how everything is working right now, and instead of adding more resources, look at how all the resources have been used and find out whether they are fulfilling their purpose across different groups on campus. I think it is important to realize that not all groups approach these problems in the same way and there are different needs across the student body. I wrote this perspective as an undocumented student, but many other students have other needs. Also, as mentioned before, starting an active dialogue among students and the administration would be helpful. 

In high school, I used to do track, and I’d often hear the phrase, “Student-athlete: student first and athlete second.” In that context, it makes sense, but, taking it a little bit out of context to make my point, I think there should be another priority before being a student, which is health. Health first, student second. If we see that the psychological services on campus are overbooked or they need more resources, then that could be a priority for the administration. The same should go for other resources on campus. 

Language sometimes seems limiting in terms of accurate expression, but I hope this opinion at least creates a little bit of awareness towards the experiences that people from underrepresented groups feel towards the difficulty of navigating college and taking care of their well-being. 

Cris Rodriguez is a member of the class of 2024 and can be reached at cirodriguez@wesleyan.edu.