Amy Coney Barrett, Trump’s Supreme Court nominee, wants you to know that she is so not Aunt Lydia from “The Handmaid’s Tale.” Even though she is deeply involved with People of Praise, a group of zealous and not at all terrifying Christians that at one point legitimately called women “handmaids” and demanded they submit to their husbands, she’s a huge feminist and proponent of the Girl Boss Slay (TM). On her first day of the job, she will approach the Supreme Court in an unseemly brown trench coat and force every justice to wear an enormous blood-red cloak and white handmaid bonnet, but rest assured she is not emulating Ann Dowd in her Emmy-winning performance as Aunt Lydia.

Nor will she tase judges with the cattle prod conveniently tucked into her purse. In fact, Judge Barrett hates Margaret Atwood; she prefers Stephen King.

Although Barrett has been criticized by LGBTQ advocacy organizations, she actually loves the gays!!!

Some think that Amy is homophobic, to which she responds, “Gurl PLEASE.” She definitely experimented with poppers in college and loves Sufjan Stevens’ new album; her fave track is “America,” because of course it is. Did Amy accept donations from the Alliance Defending Freedom, a hate group that unabashedly defends the recriminalization of homosexuality and state-sanctioned sterilization of trans people? Yes! Should we cancel her? Probably!! Is she really into voguing right now? Duh!!!

Contrary to popular belief, Amy is just like us! She enjoys drinking frosé and unwinds by watching documentaries about ax murderers while clutching a bedazzled Bible to her chest. Her favorite movie of all time is “Green Book,” which she finds “so inspiring.” Amy is also a loving mother of seven children: Pride, Greed, Wrath, Envy, Lust, Gluttony, and Sloth. She tells them they are all worthless little abominations before kissing them good night and tucking them into bed.

A lot of people have been wondering how Amy Coney Barrett will follow in RBG’s footsteps. Will she tarnish the Girl Boss legacy by helping to reverse landmark cases upholding equality? No!! Once confirmed, Amy will NOT work to actively dismantle Roe v. Wade but will instead stand outside of abortion clinics and tell incensed protestors to “sashay
away.” Neither will she work to help overturn gay marriage in Obergefell v. Hodges! As mentioned before, she loves the gays and is an avid viewer of “RuPaul’s Drag Race.” Upon her confirmation, she will Lipsync for Her Life to “God Bless America,” pulling away her judge’s robes to reveal a glittering red, white, and blue bodysuit.

She will leap from the judges’ stand into the air before landing on the floor in an expert death drop to the horror and confusion of conservatives around her. The gays will eat it up. When The Argus reached out to Amy and asked what she wants Americans to know about her, she referenced an iconic “Drag Race” moment, declaring, “I’m not Aunt Lydia. I’ve never BEEN Aunt Lydia. If I wanted to I could probably go out and Be Aunt Lydia because I am what? CONSERVATIVE.” Amy Coney Barrett is not cosplaying Ann Dowd in “Handmaid’s Tale” drag. She’s just a regular wine mom who loves the Indigo Girls and watching archival footage from the Stanford Prison Experiment! She’s not here to take all of your rights and civil liberties away. That wouldn’t be constitutional! She is simply following in RBG’s footsteps, paving the way for ultraconservative mentally unhinged sadist Girl Bosses one slay at a time.

Ben Togut can be reached at btogut@wesleyan.edu.