From: HORNEY HERMIT, 2019

Wescam just came out. Give me some advice on how to attract peoplez? I never leave my room but I wanna get a lot of Wescams. :(

First, put in jlahut@wesleyan.edu to calibrate your account. You must first enter this email before you will be allowed to enter any others. Advertise in the WesAdmits Facebook groups, especially WesAdmits 2021. Just start winking. At everybody.

From: Hi Please Help Me Thanks, 2020

Help! I got a super shitty housing number :( What should I do?

Research non-traditional housing options, like living in the tunnels! Studies have shown that the asbestos is actually good for you, so you’ll get a fun health boost and have a sick pad to show off to your friends. It’ll be part of your spunky image! Or, alternatively, you can live with me ;)

From: asking 4 friend, 2017

What are the best places on campus to cry?

Third-floor Fisk bathroom, CFA music rooms (if you stay still long enough the motion lights will turn off and you can cry alone in the darkness you deserve), upper corners of the Stacks, my shoulder ;), thesis carrels, Olin basement bathroom, nap pods, package line, the middle of Usdan (let the world share in your despair), the roof of Bennet, into a plate of mozzarella sticks at Swings, the gallery seating at Memorial Chapel while the organist is playing, WesWell (rip up some pamphlets on safe sex while you’re at it), the COL library, the HiRise elevator (as it’s probably stuck at any given point in time), the tiny phone booths in PAC, the roof of Summies, and the shower in basement bathroom in Allbritton. 

From: oopsies, 2018

I matched with Roth on Tinder. What should I do now?

Ok first, get a new outfit. Make it classy. Roth likes classy. Shine those shoes. Your first message to him should be ;). He will respond (;, he always does. The conversation will take care of itself from there. Suggest getting a nice dinner. Amici’s? Esca? Or maybe you’re feeling greasy. Five Guys? You and Roth can walk wherever you decide to go. The sun will be playing softly in Roth’s wiry curls. He’ll tell a lot of dad jokes. About work. About his classes. About life. You’ll laugh, get to where you’re going for dinner. Roth will slip the waiter a twenty to get you two a good seat. He always takes care of his lover. He’ll talk about the art of Dutch woodcarving. You’ll be bored, but he has so much passion, so you’ll listen anyway because he put a lot of effort into this night and you don’t want to hurt his feelings. The evening will end under the stars as you and Roth lie in the dewy grass on Foss. You and Roth will part ways with a fond embrace. But remember, the REAL embrace is in your MIND!