Dear Argus,

I am an alumnus of Wesleyan University and I have strong opinions about issues. For example, I think freedom of speech is important. Otherwise how would today’s students hear such important opinions from alumni such as myself?

My opinions are intelligent and thoughtful, since I, an alumnus, went to Wesleyan. At Wesleyan I learned many things, including that free speech is good and that I enjoy speeching freely. It would be a disaster if alumni such as myself couldn’t impart our wisdom to future generations. After all, alumni are like Wesleyan students, only older, and therefore guaranteed to be wise and experienced in the ways of the world (also, we went to Wesleyan, too).

As an alumnus, I demand my voice be heard over the din of today’s debate (or should I say, “debate.”) My opinions are too important to be kept to myself, or to be shouted out intermittently at colleagues at my place of work (as an alumni, I no longer attend Wesleyan, but have a job, which makes me experienced and qualified to share my numerous, thoughtful opinions). Therefore, I demand the unceasing acquiescence of a campus outlet for these opinions so that every last thought that pops into my head can be accessible to today’s Wesleyan students. It would be a tragedy if these thoughts received no exposure, especially from a generation of young people who have never heard of me.

My opinion that my opinions are important opinions may meet resistance from other opinion-havers—but that’s just their opinion. My right to my opinion is enshrined in the Constitution, a magical document that I first discovered as a student at Wesleyan (I have since graduated, thus making me an alumnus, and also very important). While I respect other opinions, I am adamant that my opinions be shared in a forum financially subsidized by today’s students, as my opinions are for their betterment, after all. To deny my opinion is to deny the Constitution, which is a very important series of bullet points that I understand completely and read about at Wesleyan (from which I graduated [making me an alumnus of Wesleyan {and thus, important}]).

In conclusion, some students may have opinions, but they would be better off listening to my opinions, in my opinion. Opinions are the lifeblood of Wesleyan University’s alumni, and unless numerous alumni opinions are printed in every issue of the Argus, my Constitutional rights are being desecrated (unless of course they are different from my opinions and the opinions of my friends, in which case those opinions should be omitted in favor of our wiser, more distinguished opinions). As an alumnus, I am a very important person. If you do not listen to my opinions, you are no better than Hitler, whom I also learned about at Wesleyan University (where I graduated from).

I went to Wesleyan, and I have very important things to say. Pay attention to me. For the love of God, would someone please pay attention to me.

Firke is a member of the Class of 2012.