Sadie nudges readers away from unconventional uses of lava lamps and toward the objects of their affection.

So while moving in this past week I noticed that I left my vibrator either at home, or somewhere in the High Rise parking lot. Nonetheless, what are some household items that I could use in its place? It’s urgent. – Horny in Hirise ’17

Dear Horny,

Great question. First, a list of BAD OPTIONS: organic foods (including vegetables, fruits, and phallic meat products), that kid down the hall who looks so soulful while unlocking the door (you will ALWAYS regret hooking up with hallmates), and any sort of school supplies. Lava lamps are also a bad idea.

Secondly, the staff of The Argus suggests you try sitting on a washing machine. Go on Sunday afternoon or evening to ensure that all of the machines are running and the place is packed. Beyond that, hit the Google, man. We’ve all read the work of Meg Cabot, so I’m not going to start listing shit.

Most importantly, I would recommend calling the professionals. NO, not a prostitute, you lush. Public safety’s non-emergency number is 860-685-2345. We can fix this together.

I think this guy might like me, but I just don’t know. He always smiles at me and talks to me, but maybe he’s just friendly (he is Southern). How can I be sure if he’s into me? – Smitten with a Southerner ’16

Dear Smitten with a Southerner,

Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit! First, congratulations on knowing a Southerner; you’re already doing well in my book. Secondly, thank you for this wonderful question. This is truly one of the most difficult parts of being a displaced Southerner: people ALWAYS think we’re in love with them. I’m just being the charming Georgia peach I was raised to be!! Turn down your egos, people. Of course, I do tend to be in love with people, so I am very familiar with this situation.

There’s a simple way to tell: quality time. Southerners are the best people on the planet, because we were raised to hold doors, smile, ask how your momma is doing, coo over pictures of babies, and insist you stay for dinner. Also, offer you a Coke. Drink the damn Coke.

However, when I’m in love with someone for REAL, you can tell by time distribution. So this guy is really friendly. He holds the door open for you and insists on paying for your coffee. To a cold-hearted Yankee, this poor boy is proposing marriage. To a Southerner, this is a day in the life. What you need to look at is how he spends his time. Southern boys are flirty with everyone, but they only make time for people they really care about. This isn’t to say that he wouldn’t make time for you if you’re just a friend, but if you think about it and realize you’re getting a lot more quality time than anyone else in his life, he’s probably in love with you. Does he always say yes to your dinner invitations? Does he text you to see what you’re doing this weekend? Does he invite you to watch the Bama game and let you wear his jersey? Think hard. And if he is in love with you, hold on tight to that sweet Southern ass.

I have strong feelings for someone on campus who has hinted he is interested too, but we’re both seniors. As much as I want to date him now, for distance reasons (and others), I don’t see it working after graduation. Is it worth getting involved if I know it’s going to end? I genuinely want to be with him at the moment. – Singularly Single ’16

Dear Singularly Single,

UGH. I cannot even deal with this question. The future is not ours to predict. Maybe you’ll both end up in Texas doing research in a barbecue laboratory (see above), or maybe you will tearfully break up after graduation. Either way, why say no to happiness? It’s September, sweetheart. Stop thinking about May and start smooching your new beau.

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