“It hurts when we have sex…but my doctor said that’s just how it is for some people.”

My friends and I have been talking about painful sex since well before we actually started having sex. The fact that sex is or can be painful is so ingrained, it feels like innate knowledge. I certainly remember when I was taught what “sexual intercourse” meant, so I should be able to remember when someone first told me that if I chose to do that, it was gonna hurt. But I don’t remember it, because it has been repeated so many thousands of times—by parents, teachers, and pop culture—that it has parasitically burrowed itself deep into my sexual identity. Oddly, I also don’t remember anyone ever telling me how to counteract this looming future pain; not because it too has been overly emphasized, but because no one ever mentioned it.

Allow me to clarify a few things here. You probably correctly assumed that the friends I am referring to are people with vaginas, that the sex we were being warned about was penetrative sex with a penis, and that the pain discussed was primarily associated with our “first time.”

This is all true of the way we were taught, but none of it is true for the way it should actually be talked about and the way I want to talk about it here. Sex can mean any type of sexual activity, and it can be painful or uncomfortable for anyone at any point in life.

That might sound a bit terrifying, especially if you’ve never experienced sex-related pain before. I actually mean it in a positive sense because that means that the many, many people who are confused about the pain they feel from sex and/or who have resigned themselves to it can probably find some sort of clarity and solution. I will not be the source of those solutions, but I can give you some basic information and resources.

First, here’s a snippet of the virginity rant you can hear me loudly reciting at least once a week somewhere public on campus. Besides the old news that the notion of virginity is a sexist and heterosexist construct dating back to the origins of property rights over women, and besides the overwhelming scientific evidence discounting the myth of the hymen, the concept of virginity also causes a lot of problems in the way we think about sex and pain. The legendary “first time” (which, again, is not necessarily vaginal intercourse) is needlessly painful and negative for many people who are too nervous for their bodies to self-lubricate and too unprepared to use lube. And virginity, with all its flaws and oversimplifications, becomes our primary paradigm for understanding pain during sex despite the fact that bodies change and experience pain for different reasons.

Pelvic pain is not isolated to early sexual experiences, or even to sexual experiences in general; it is common and varied. Pelvic pain can be experienced in the pelvis, genital area, rectum, or lower abdomen, and it can be present when you use the bathroom or even just when you sit down. Also, though sex-related pain can affect anyone, it’s true that it is more common in people with vaginas; and since we as a society do not (historically or currently) concern ourselves with female pleasure, female sexual pain is often ignored. Many medical providers, including gynecologists and urologists, may not know what to tell patients who come in complaining about pain associated with sex, but that doesn’t mean it cannot be examined or treated.

Sex can be painful because of insufficient lubrication; hormonal changes (due to hormonal birth control or simply the different hormone levels during the menstrual cycle, for example); lack of sexual desire at a particular time, with a particular partner, or in general; incompatible size between what is being inserted (fingers, penis, fist, toy, etc.) and where it is being inserted (anus, vagina, mouth, toy, etc.); emotional factors, such as nervousness; mental health reasons; history of assault; personal beliefs or background regarding sex; and physiological medical reasons ranging from some sexually transmitted infections to conditions such as vaginismus and prostatitis.

If you experience pelvic pain, I’m not saying you have all of these situations on your hands; I’m not even saying you have one of them. Because there are so many possible reasons and because my list of causes is not even close to comprehensive, it is incredibly important that you sit down on your own and work through your personal boundaries, emotional and physical, as well as the reasons behind them. Pain or no pain, you cannot responsibly engage in sexual activity without knowing your body, your mind, and your history and being able to communicate them as needed.

I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again, and I’ll probably have it carved into my tombstone: All bodies are different, and all bodies change. It is important to check in with yourself, and to seek and find outside help if you need it. It is also important to believe that you can be helped, because most likely you can. And when it comes to partners, above all, communicate. If you experience pain, tell your partners; and if a partner tells you ze has pain, believe hir and support hir in working through possible solutions or in finding ways ze can experience pleasure that do not trigger their pain.

For resources, I will refer you once again to the fabulous and magical WesWell resource room in the back of the Davison Health Center. If you’re looking for more information about some practical solutions to pelvic pain, check out Laci Green’s video “PAINFUL SEX?!” If you want to know about some of the more clinical information, including the names and details of various conditions, go to the Center for Sexual Pleasure and Health’s website and check out the page “Experiencing Pelvic Pain?” under the “Resources” section.

Your body experiences pain for a reason; if you want to have sex, don’t resign yourself to bad or painful sex. That time and energy is much better used in figuring out what works for you. Now, armed with knowledge and resources, go forth on your journey to discover or rediscover good sex!

Baurer is a member of the class of 2015.