Do you have social life concerns? Worries about classes? Existential crises you need help with? The following is the first installment of The Argus’ new advice column, featuring real questions dropped into our advice box in Usdan by anonymous students. Every week, our writers will answer your questions to the best of their abilities.

 

My friend and I have a thin wall between us, and whenever his girlfriend visits, I’m not able to sleep through the “noises” and shouts of excitement. I don’t want to ruin their magic, but I have zzz’s to get. What do I do?

 

—Underslept

 

There are two ways to handle this: directly or indirectly. The direct approach (and the one we prefer) would begin with something like this:

“I know you and [insert lover’s name] are having a really fun time exploring each other’s bodies and souls, and I’m really happy for you. But recently you two have been keeping me up at night to the point where I’ve been having trouble sleeping. It would be nice if you and [insert lover’s name] were a little more conscientious of my sleeping hours. If you want, we can investigate cheap, homemade soundproofing options. Or perhaps you could try moving your activities to another place, such as the stacks of Olin. Thank you!”

The indirect approach would be a little more passive-aggressive and probably ineffective. Examples would be banging loudly on the shared wall or writing sassy notes on your neighbor’s door. Best-case scenario: passive aggression leads to awkward tension between you, your friend, and hir lover. Worst-case scenario: a very uncomfortable confrontation will build up and then explode in your face, and you may or may not end up with dirty dishes in your bed (based on a true story).

Takeaway point: sex is a tricky subject to broach when you’re not talking about your own. People can get very testy when you’re critically discussing what they’re doing in the bedroom, but being direct will save you from more sleepless nights and drawn-out awkwardness between you and your neighbor.

 

What should I do about butt hair? It may seem like a joke, but all my friends say they shave it. That seems weird. What is normal? I’m a girl.

 

—No Butts About It

 

There is a wonderful piece of literature by the realist Taro Gomi titled “Everybody Poops.” It’s about how everyone poops. But really, this is a book about those kinds embarrassing and smelly things we try not to think about but actually happen to all of us all the time. That being said, everyone poops, and everyone has butt hair.  Who cares if you’re a girl? Last time we checked, girls have hair, too.

Let’s talk about social norms. People get these norms from all sorts of places: the razor industry, pornography, the virgin-whore complex, etc. Did you know women only started shaving their legs in the 1940s to accommodate fashion trends? These are sad facts of the social fabric we live in. We can choose whether to ascribe to them or not. If you really want to get rid of the hair, you can get a Brazilian wax so it doesn’t grow back all stubbly. Or you can save money and shave! Or you can be just the way you are, and someone will love you, hairy butt and all.

Don’t let their butts dictate how you treat yours.

 

Teach me how to love myself? LOL

 

—Just Kidding But Not Really

 

Life is all about balancing hard work and personal pleasures. Self-worth is the liminal space between fulfilling societal expectations and fulfilling your own personal destiny. This will probably all sound cliché, but that doesn’t matter because it will truly allow for self-love. Do what you love. Take time for yourself. Be kind to yourself, always. Eat healthily and exercise (nothing like those endorphins). Surround yourself with people who love you and support you. Always be kind to others and practice gratitude. Life can be shitty sometimes, and things don’t always go the way you want them to, but instead of focusing on the negatives, shift your perspective and embrace the hardship. Be present in every moment, good or bad, and understand that the bad won’t last forever. You will find that there is a significant difference between suffering through unhappiness and misfortune and experiencing unhappiness and misfortune.

Now let’s talk about the differences between self-love and really lovin’ yourself. Ya know? Do it early, and do it often. It relieves stress, it makes you happier throughout the day, and it helps you learn what you like. Do it upside down and backwards. Just do it because it makes you feel good and happy and no one can stop you. Turn down the lights, put on “773 Love” by Jeremih, and get knee deep in it.