Look, frosh, I get it. This is a very awkward, very confusing time for you. You’re out of your element. You’re scrambling to establish a friend group as a foundation for your personal life. And sometimes that might take you out of your comfort zone to the point that you say or do something stupid. That’s okay. It happens. Actively trying to impress people you just met—especially if you’re interested in getting into their pants—is inherently fake, but completely understandable. The important thing is to own when you cross the line between embellishment and ludicrousness and move on as a more grounded person than you were before.

To the trio I observed at Usdan lunch: I’m doing this to help you, so I refuse to describe you. My reasons for this are threefold. First, I truly do believe this is a case of protecting the innocent. Second, the horrific things I heard are tattooed in my mind, but a white-hot flash of awed rage has obscured the rest. Third, out of necessity, I am making assumptions, based on context clues, that you are heterosexual members of the Class of 2017. I would feel awful if I offended any of you by misrepresenting your sexual preference. If you have, in fact, been here longer than I’m guessing, then I would be offending myself.

The scene: two guys trying to impress a girl; let’s leave it at that. I shall present the damning moments in chronological order.

“The Boston Red Sox are all right, but the Seattle Orioles—who gives a shit?”

Now, I understand I don’t go to a big sports school. It’s something I’ve struggled with for years now. So here’s just a quick lesson on Major League Baseball in 2013. At press time, the Boston Red Sox have an 83-57 record, which is the best mark in the American League. They are much better than all right this season. But that’s not the worst of it. There are no Seattle Orioles—not now, not ever. That team does not exist. The Seattle Mariners and Baltimore Orioles are two different teams, neither of which is likely to make the playoffs. So this works on zero levels. On the off chance the young woman in question is one of Wesleyan’s few sports fans, she definitely knew this was bullshit. Either way, she deserves better. This is basic stuff, guys. You don’t have to force your way through topics you don’t know to make a good impression. We go to a small school, but 3,000 is still a lot of people. You’ll find someone who shares your real interests. This one hit me in a very personal place, but I’m willing to forgive you.

“Did anyone else scrape your food into the recycling bin?”

“You can recycle food.”

The insane statements keep coming. It says right on the recycling bin what things you can put in it: glass, plastic, and mixed paper. Unless you consider any of those things food, don’t put whatever you were eating in there. It’s that simple. Furthermore, since you’re clearly not thinking green as it is, let me tell you that you’re impeding University efforts to help the environment on multiple levels. As part of an Environmental Protection Agency initiative, Wesleyan pledges to save food for the needy when possible and to compost otherwise wasted scraps. It’s benevolent, it’s conscious, and it even saves us money. Yet you can’t recycle food in the same container you throw out wrappers and essays with bad grades. That’s not how the system works.

I’m also struggling to rationalize this within the context of first-week socializing. My best guess is that you’re still getting to know the people around you and are compensating with a self-assured know-it-all vibe. Though this was a particularly cringeworthy instance, I have to grit my teeth and say that I also understand that mentality. I’ve been guilty of the same type of behavior. The key is to identify it and eliminate it—so stop throwing your food in the recycling.

Only now we’re reaching the point at which I stop forgiving you and start questioning a great many things about society. For the benefit of the readers, I shall refrain from quoting any of it.

On the matter of whether STDs are transmittable via blowjob or handshake. Yes, you read that right. Not handjob. Handshake. That sweet, sweet hand-on-hand action.

First things first: there is an exchange of fluids in oral sex, even if it’s not apparent to you. Herpes, HIV, gonorrhea, syphilis. You name it, you can get it from a blowjob, either giving or receiving. So there’s that.

And unless both parties have concurrent open wounds on their palms, no, you cannot get an STD from a handshake. What part of sexually transmitted disease is confusing you here? Even by the most puritanical of standards, a handshake is not a sexual act, regardless of firmness or any other factor. For crying out loud, the phrase “no glove, no love” is not meant to be taken literally!

Maybe you’re trolling me. It’s a distinct possibility. After all, you did depart to hang out at Olin because of the air conditioning, which has never occurred to me in three years here. Other buildings on campus have air conditioning. Usdan has air conditioning. But I haven’t the slightest idea what these last points say about the September socialization process, to say nothing of the state of sexual education in this country. All I can say for sure is you clearly didn’t know better. Like I said, that’s okay. There’s a reason those of us who were once freshmen expect it from future generations. That said, it’s only acceptable to an extent.

Anonymous frosh, I know you’re on a learning curve, so I’m trying to do what I can here. Just be careful. People can hear you.