Valentine’s Day might be a wonderful day of love and commitment for some, but for others, especially the single and the recently dumped, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. In fact, it can be a nauseating and in-your-face reminder of the sad, crushing, inescapable loneliness that is your life.

Wow, things just got a little too real there.

Anyway, just as there’s a flood of Nicholas Sparks movies and Katherine Heigl romantic comedies for those who believe in Romance, there’s also an immense number of movies made especially for those who look at this glorious day with an attitude that’s less “love is in the air” and more “go fuck yourself.” Therefore, as a service to those with that frustrated attitude, here are the top three Valentines Day movies for complete and utter cynics.

Shaun Of The Dead

I think in many ways this was a very simple movie with a very revolutionary idea. Take a simple premise of a romantic comedy—boy loses girl, boy wins girl back—then add zombies. Don’t get me wrong, there’s more to the story than that, and the movie proceeds to transform itself into one of the best horror movies ever made. Because the film spends so much time first obeying the tropes of a comedy, and because it does so in an incredibly funny and masterful way, it manages to make you care about its characters. This only escalates the impact of the horror.

In fact, it’s the interruption of the romantic comedy by the zombie horde that gives the film so much of its comedic effect. Ultimately, there’s a sort of balance going on between the mean-spirited horror elements and the good-natured comedy, and it is this combination that makes this film the classic that it is. So, if you’ve got a craving to watch a romantic comedy spiced up with the walking dead, this one’s for you.

Cynicism Level: Low

My Bloody Valentine

This film is pretty much exactly what it sounds like: your basic slasher movie plot, just with Valentine’s Day subbed in as the theme. But for what it is, the film is still pretty good. Set in a town that inexplicably celebrates Valentine’s Day like it’s goddamned Christmas, a series of mysterious murders starts on the anniversary of a tragic mine collapse.

Ultimately, this movie is a showcase of some of the best aspects of a good ’80s slasher movie. The killer is a genuinely original and iconic movie monster, sporting mining gear, a gas mask, and a pickaxe. There’s a barrage of creative and memorable kills, a genuinely intriguing mystery throughout—and hell, there are even a couple of pretty likeable characters. Quentin Tarantino has called this movie the greatest slasher movie ever made. While I wouldn’t go that far, I will call this movie a genuinely fun horror gem, perfect for anyone looking for a festive approach to the classic slasher genre.

Cynicism Level: Medium

Caligula

Now, for some people, just seeing a different approach to love on the most romantic day of the year won’t be enough. For those viewers, the only option is to be transported to a time when Valentine’s Day had a very different meaning: the age of the Romans. You see, before the famed Saint Valentine martyred himself to give us the Valentine’s Day we know today,  Lupercalia, a festival celebrating werewolves and blood orgies, took place on Feb. 14.

For those of us who prefer to keep werewolves and blood orgies in the land of film, Caligula, the 1979 biopic of the titular Roman Emperor, is a must-see. For those who are unaware, Caligula was an insane, sadistic Roman emperor. The film itself has a pretty interesting story surrounding it. It started as a dark biopic based on a screenplay written by Gore Vidal and starring Malcolm McDowell, Peter O’Toole, and Helen Mirren. However, it was then co-opted by Penthouse magazine, transforming it from a dramatic political satire into one of the most controversial exploitation movies ever made, while still keeping the lavish sets and Oscar winning actors.

What we have here is an odd paradox, with political discourse taking place in rooms inexplicably filled with more naked people than an entire season of Game of Thrones. Scenes constantly segue way into bizarre and explicit sex sequences without any bearing to a plot. In the movie’s gratuitous portrayal of all the sex, violence, and hedonism of the Ancient Roman elite, no punches are pulled, and far too many strange and unforgettable (in the bad, burning-holes-into-your-brain kind of way) things happen to list in one small column. But let’s just say that if you can imagine it, there’s a decent chance it’s in this movie.

Caligula has a considerable cult following, and to this day there is vigorous debate over whether the film is the sleaziest historical biopic ever, or just the world’s most ludicrously big-budgeted porno. Whatever you choose to call it, if you can handle its immense weirdness and depravity, this film will be the last line of defense against those Valentine’s Day blues. That said, it might also make you want to never have sex again.

Cynicism Level: Dangerously High