In honor of America’s most widely resented holiday, your friendly neighborhood Arts editors—by which I secretly mean one specific editor who is completely indifferent to Valentine’s Day and honestly forgot it was happening this year because she has better things to do than fuel the soul-sucking corporate mechanism of consumerism that abuses citizens’ tender innocent love just to sell another box of corn syrup-drenched chocolate that will probably give us all diabetes anyway so, I mean, whatever—have put together a well-intentioned, not-at-all-vengeful playlist for your listening pleasure. So go ahead, lovebirds: light some candles, grab those fuzzy handcuffs you were too uncomfortable to suggest using last year, and forego the Michael Bublé in favor of this compilation of the most romantic tunes that kind of make you want to pay a visit to that one friend who won’t shut up about the Tiffany’s necklace her boyfriend bought her just to rip it off her smug little neck.
Can you feel the love? I certainly can’t.
Disclaimer: If you were expecting Taylor Swift, please just get out.
1. Fleetwood Mac — “Go Your Own Way”
Sample Lyric: “You can go your own way / You can call it another lonely day.”
2. Beyonce — “Irreplaceable”
Sample Lyric: “I can have another you by tomorrow / So don’t you ever for a second get to thinking you’re irreplaceable.”
3. Solange — “Some Things Never Seem to Fucking Work”
Sample Lyric: “So maybe then we’re better off / So maybe if it’s how you wanted it / Leave me alone.”
Commentary: The Knowles women know how to do breakups (not that anyone in their right mind would even consider breaking up with either of them ever).
4. Muse — “Hyper Chondriac Music”
Sample Lyric: “I don’t love you / I never did / I don’t want you / I never will.”
5. Tyler, the Creator — “Bitches Brewin (Dope Beat) HD”
Sample Lyric: “You like my songs, I like your tits / But deep down I don’t really like you, bitch.”
Commentary: Honestly, it’s fine, because I actually never liked you anyway. Bitch.
6. Robyn — “Dancing on My Own”
Sample Lyric: “I’m in the corner watching you kiss her / I’m right over here, why can’t you see me? / I’m giving it my all, but I’m not the girl you’re taking home / I keep dancing on my own.”
Commentary: This song obviously doesn’t apply to me at all. I have never done this. Must have put it here by accident…
7. Lykke Li — “Unrequited Love”
Sample Lyric: “All the shame, this crying game / All my love I’ve been denied / All my love is unrequited.”
Commentary: I mean…it’s not like I care.
8. Eamon — “Fuck It (I Don’t Want You Back)”
Sample Lyric: “Fuck what I said it don’t mean shit now / Fuck the presents might as well throw ’em out / Fuck all those kisses they didn’t mean jack / Fuck you, you hoe, I don’t want you back.”
9. The Mountain Goats — “No Children”
Sample Lyric: “I hope you die / I hope we both die.”
10. Elvis Costello — “I’m Not Angry”
Sample Lyric: “I’m not angry, I’m not angry anymore / I know what you’re doing / I know where you’ve been / I know where, but I don’t care.”
Commentary: Seriously, I’m not angry. Why does everyone keep assuming that? Does this playlist come off as resentful? It’s not my fault this is a stupid holiday for idiots who are all just gonna break up anyway…
11. Meat Puppets — “The Gold Mine”
12. The Roots — “!!!!!!!”
You know what? I take it all back; I’m listening to Nirvana.