“Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters” is without a doubt the most difficult-to-review film that I have ever encountered. This article has nothing to do with the film’s themes, messages, or behind-the-scenes drama. In fact, as far as I can tell, there are no themes or messages to be found, and any behind-the-scenes drama would likely be a great deal more entertaining to write about than this movie. My difficulty lies in the fact that it is so awful—so uninspired, clichéd, gratuitous, and just plain dull—that I honestly have no idea where to begin.

Imagine, if you will, a film composed entirely of disconnected moments haphazardly duct-taped to a banal script written in crayon by a 10-year-old boy who has just discovered swearing, sex, and gore. The people behind this movie seem to have pictured this exact scenario, but in attempting to replicate it somehow managed to fall short of even that low bar.

The film’s prologue begins with a young Hansel and Gretel being taken out into the woods by their father and abandoned, for no discernible reason, while their mother paces nervously for reasons that will be revealed two-thirds of the way through. From there, the film morphs into the story with which we’re all familiar: a witch traps the children in the house and tries to fatten Hansel up in order to eat him, but the children manage to lock her inside her oven before she can do so. Which is a shame, because it lets the heroes of movie live to further the plot.

Following a title sequence that summarizes the rise of the pair as famous witch hunters, the duo (Jeremy Renner and Gemma Aterton, both of whose talent is utterly wasted here) arrive in the “shitty little town” of Augsburg just as the populace is about to burn a suspected witch at the recommendation of their sheriff (Peter Stormare), who stops just short of breaking out the “So if she weighs less than a duck…” argument. They interrupt the proceedings and inform everyone that the town’s considerably more reasonable mayor has hired them to investigate a recent rash of disappearing children.

In short order, it is explained that Hansel and Gretel are both immune to magic. Additionally, Hansel has apparently developed some kind of magical super-diabetes as a result of being force-fed the witch’s candy as a child. which will kill him if he misses an injection by more than 30 seconds or so. It’s no spoiler to point out that after this is revealed, the movie completely ignores it until the climactic battle sequence, when it, of course, reappears at the worst possible time.

I’m not entirely sure why this particular element struck a nerve. It’s extremely rare for a movie to do something that I find morally reprehensible, but as it turns out, trivializing a very real disease for the sake of a cheap joke and cheaper tension qualifies.

I wasn’t exaggerating when I said that it felt like flashy moments and stunts had

been duct-taped to the script. This film is a messy, haphazard patchwork of scenes that look impressive on their own but make absolutely no sense in the context of a narrative, especially one as flimsy as this. Even within the actual action sequences, the film gives the impression of picking stunts and set-pieces off of a buffet table and slapping them together with little regard for continuity or pacing. This film does not offer action sequences; rather, it gives us a group of consecutive trailer shots.

The downtime is no better, presenting cliché after cliché with no shred of characterization in sight. Almost every character in this movie comes off as borderline sociopathic. The film essentially reveals the entire plot less than a third of the way through and then spends half an hour trying to pretend there’s still some doubt left as to exactly how things will turn out. The film’s “humorous” elements largely consist of period-inappropriate swearing, as though the mere fact that a character in what is theoretically 18th-century Europe is speaking like a modern-day high school student will be funny enough to power a movie. I cannot stress enough how badly this fails.

The actors wade through the script with straight faces, and while that’s no easy feat, it actually becomes another problem with the film. The script seems to have been written with far more tongue-in-cheek performances in mind, and lighter performances likely would have made the movie at least a bit more tolerable. Famke Janssen, playing Muriel, may be the only one in on the joke.

Its premise is not the only factor that diminishes the quality of this film. Is it a bit ridiculous? Absolutely. Has this slightly twisted take on a well-known story been done before? Yes, and better at that. But solid execution is often more important to a story than the premise it’s built upon. There is nothing inherently wrong with a movie about a brother and sister who hunt witches in a version of 18th-century Europe that allows for blessed Gatling guns and dual-firing crossbows. There is, however, something very wrong if the film that tells that story fails miserably.

With an unoriginal, jumbled mess of a plot, humor that falls flat, and pointlessly chaotic yet dull action, “Hansel and Gretel” is a train wreck. Avoid at all costs.