In a move clearly in touch with the Wesleyan student body’s priorities, the Spring Fling Committee has successfully petitioned for an $80,000 budget for this year’s festival, 20 grand up from last year. Here are the Arts Section’s picks for the big popular artists we can finally afford!
Michael Darer: Linkin Park
Yo, guys, let’s be real here. Linkin Park got you all into music. For at least three months (at the VERY least), you guys all jammed to Mike Shinoda and crew, as they reminded you how much your life sucked and how mean your parents were. Linkin Park is the shit, and we need them here at Wes. There’s no denying it. You lived and loved, breathed and bled Linkin Park for at least a little while. Search your heart. You know it to be true. Linkin Park made your ass.
Adam Keller: deadmau5
Live performance is overrated. I’m tired of all these “live” acts that “perform” their songs “live.” If I’m gonna be lying down on Foss two hundred feet away from the stage anyway, I don’t want to watch ants crawl around. I want a giant smorgasbord of flashing lights and spinning mouse heads. I want cheek-slapping wind tunnel bass in my face. After Wesleying’s reaction to Cornell’s Avicii shitshow, I get the sense that Wes is fiending some EDM. Deadmau5 is at the top of that heap, and the titles of his most recent albums – “4×4=12” and “Album Title Goes Here” – show he has the ironic, self-aware sense of humor that Wes loves.
Daniel Fuchs: Nickelback
If there’s one band for Spring Fling, it’s Nickelback. So what if all of its songs sound the same? If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it! Nickelback is certainly the last bastion of true, powerful arena rock, and we could definitely use its star power. Surely hits like “Photograph” and “Rockstar” would rouse up the crowd! They’ve played stadiums, so why not here? No one can resist Chad Kroeger’s (never-shifting) angry voice! Because if there’s one band for the student body to see live, it’s the one that the city of Detroit tried to kick out of last year’s Thanksgiving Day halftime show.
Gavriella Wolf: Carly Rae Jepsen
What could be better than maybe calling your campus crush to the sweet notes of “Call Me, Maybe?” Thanks to this year’s enlarged budget, we finally have the opportunity to bring the most quintessentially Wesleyan artist, Carly Rae Jepsen, for this year’s Spring Fling! I’ve heard she’s really talented live. Who wouldn’t want to listen to the most soulful of synthesizers on Foss? And if we raise a few thousand more dollars, Owl City might arrive to accompany the sweet songstress for their hit, what’s-it-called. Dig deep people! This could be what our wonderful institution really needs, and nothing speaks quite to our student body like auto tune and one-man bands!
Gwendolyn Rosen: 3OH!3
Don’t trust me, but 3OH!3 could have the opportunity to get crunkpop on Foss! Finally, Wes will not have to miss out on the experience of being able to spell out a band name with our hands as we bob our heads to snarky comebacks put to electronic beats. SO SICK. I mean, any artist who’s a friend of Ke$ha is a friend of ours. We see where their friendship might stem from: an inability to keep out the upper symbols of the keyboard in your name is the foundation of BFFs. Let’s see how many misogynistic comments we can fit into a three-minute song while we get our bump and grind on. So shh girl and talk with your hips, or better yet with your wallet since the Concert Committee has the funds to do that now!
Richard Starzec: Cat Stevens (AKA Yusuf Islam AKA Yusuf)
Everyone knows that any type of music festival needs a headliner who is way past his prime on which to waste a perfectly good performance slot, so who better than the true king of the British Invasion, Cat Stevens? Now known professionally by the single name Yusuf, Cat Stevens is the perfect antidote to a Wesleyan tradition that had seen better days. Not only can he perform his extremely accessible songs for all those cheap band wagoners (“Wild World” and “Peace Train”), but his odd catalog of psychedelic rock songs (“Remember The Days of the Old Schoolyard,” anyone?) will appease hipsters across the world. He’d be the perfect closing act for Nickelback.
Gabrielle Bruney: LMFAO
Now that the Concert Committee’s in the money, let’s party rock! Known for such hits as “Sexy and I Know It,” “Party Rock Anthem,” and umm…many more, I’m sure, LMFAO’s RedFoo and SkyBlu are respectively the son and grandson of legendary Motown founder Berry Gordy, making them rock royalty. Royalty the way Sarah Ferguson is royalty. There are those who insist that their fratty electro-rap is insipid, but the one thing I’m sure of is that Berry Gordy totally ISN’T rolling in his retirement community.
