We realize that, as freshmen, we just got here; however, we have already done some extensive research on where to hook up on the “horniest campus” in America. While our school can sometimes seem small, and places for a clandestine rendez-vous hard to find, we are here to let you know that you still have some great options for a quick (or not so quick) getaway.
Whether you are taking your visiting girlfriend on a steamy tour of Wes or you simply have an elaborate bucket list, we have a place for you to get it on.
The CFA Practice Rooms
If you are on the daring side, you might find the CFA buildings dangerous and exciting—you know, in a federal prison kind of way. We suggest heading to the music studios to make some sweet music for two—or more, we’re not judging.
Once inside, find the stairwell and head downstairs, as we think the basement practice rooms are the best locations for illicit affairs. Don’t think of a piano, which takes up a good portion of the room, as a hindrance. It offers up new and interesting potential positions, and the see-through door adds some appeal for the voyeurs or exhibitionists among us.
If you are particularly noisy and uninterested in sharing your experiences with your friendly neighborhood oboe player, you might not be so comfortable here, as the glass is honestly not even that soundproof.
Once you’ve had your fun, you can add to the graffiti in the men’s bathroom (look for the figure of a man with a skirt penciled on the door), which is on its way to becoming a true masterpiece. Not that we encourage vandalism.
The Stacks
If you love curling up in a cozy spot with a good book, you probably also have a love for libraries. The stacks have always been a bookworm’s fantasy, and they are certainly a maze of exciting titles and old, rarely-touched books. If you find the right nook, you are probably safe. However, things get lost in an instant. So keep watch over your shoes, socks, and other articles of clothing (one unlucky soul left hir detachable hood up here…).
Almost anyone could stumble upon you up here, so the musty smell of books and the various nooks and crannies are perfect for a more low-key hook-up. If you are feeling particularly daring during your interlude, you might even turn off the lights, despite signs warning you not to.
Indian Hill
Indian Hill is off-limits after 4:30 p.m., so if you seek adventure you should make this trek at sunset or even after dark. The long, cold walk is exciting and anticipatory, and certainly got us hot and bothered. Of course, if you bring a blanket, you can get even warmer once you reach the hill.
The fact that you are surrounded by the buried souls of strangers, and that oftentimes other stragglers and rule breakers wander around the graveyard after sunset, provides an added thrill. Behind the large Indian Hill building, there is an archway underneath which you could set up camp. If you prefer a softer bed and don’t mind being a little more exposed, there is no dearth of grassy patches to choose from. Of course, for those of you who are spooked out by the dead, we suggest sitting this one out.
DFC at Night
The Daniel Family Commons is a conveniently secret locale because you can just hop in the elevator in Usdan and no one will even know where you are headed. When you arrive upstairs, there are lots of nice, comfortable couches for napping and…other activities. If you prefer more privacy, you might feel most comfortable in the coatroom, which has a closing door and several lockable bathrooms.
The Wesleyan website notes that when the DFC is not scheduled in the evening, “students can frequently be found in the space as it is quiet and removed from the busy and louder parts of Usdan, making it an ideal space for studying privately or in small groups.”
While the idea of your Chem lab study group catching you in the act might be off-putting, the quiet of the space and the indoors comfort is a huge draw.
The DFC also features two walls lined with windows, which give a nice view of the Wesleyan night-scene. Just be sure no one’s looking up while you get groovy.
Roof of Judd
If your heart can take climbing up the long staircase to the top floor of Judd, you will find several offices for Psychology professors and a locked door to the roof. After 5 p.m., the offices are usually empty and there are a few couches that could stand in as pseudo-beds, but only attempt this if you are willing to defy the odds of being caught by a professor who will likely make a joke about Jung love. Canoodling in the stairwell is slightly less perilous. To test this out, we sang as loudly as we could. Thankfully, no one heard us, so it’s likely that your noises won’t be detected either.
While the door to the roof is locked to all but the most daring, there is a window from the staircase to give you a lovely view of campus while you do the deed. For the really adventurous, there is an emergency exit door next to one of the offices. If you aren’t afraid of potential fire alarms, feel free to dash onto the roof for a quick make-out session before P-Safe comes.
Sci Li Basement
This is another library space for those who get off on the smell of books, although Sci Li Basement is for our more risk-taking bookworms. Deep in the metal bookshelves, we found some seriously old literature (circa 1850!) that gave off a lovely, moldering aroma.
Being quiet here is crucial, as people are likely to be studying only 15 feet away and the nearby studiers add to the excitement of sneaking around. This area offers the added danger of being squished by electronically controlled, moving bookshelves, so we suggest that only the most intrepid of inamoratos take up this challenge.
Exley Basement
This place can be creepy! There are numerous winding hallways, and the deeper you go into the maze the more cobwebs and dust bunnies you’ll find. There are also very few places with unlocked doors, so you’ll have to stay in the hallway or go into a storage closet. However, if you go deep enough in you could probably get away with going for it right there in the hallway.
If you’re looking for even more privacy, we suggest finding the unlocked door to a staircase that leads to the optics lab, which is very secluded (especially after 6 p.m and on the weekends). The staircase creates quite an echo, so we recommend it for those who like it loud and don’t care who hears.
Butts Tunnels
For those who seek comfort and privacy, this is not the place for you. While it can be secluded at times, hooking up in the tunnels is definitely on more than one student’s bucket list. The graffiti and cold cement don’t add to the appeal, and the only lockable doors are the bathrooms, which are decidedly unsanitary.
Like the fear of getting caught or the sexiness of being pushed up against a bathroom wall? Then you’ll love the tunnels! They’re cold and dark, and anyone with access to the Butts could walk in. The bathrooms are not hygienic, but for an adrenaline junky that shouldn’t be a problem.
We hope you have enjoyed reading our review of the best partially-public places to investigate with that special someone. Perhaps the best way to spend your Valentine’s Day would be to check them out yourself!