There’s no one out there arguing that the Pro Bowl is working the way it’s supposed to. Once positioned as a year-end celebration of the greatest on-field performers of the past season in the NFL, the game has been rescheduled to split up the two-week sports news vacuum that exists between the conference championship games and the Super Bowl. With no football or baseball, the NBA slogging through an overly-condensed schedule, and the NHL getting NHL levels of coverage, that leaves three things to talk about: how inspiring the backstories of Super Bowl players are, how we’ve heard the inspiring backstories of Super Bowl players a thousand times already, and how poorly the Pro Bowl represents the excitement and quality of NFL play. And apparently, Aaron Rodgers has had enough.
“I’ll be honest with you,” the Packers quarterback and MVP candidate said in an interview with ESPN 540 in Milwaukee, “I was a little bit disappointed. I felt like some of the guys on the NFC side embarrassed themselves. I was just surprised that some of the guys either didn’t want to play or when they were in there didn’t put any effort into it.”
The gauntlet has been thrown down. Along with fans in attendance in Honolulu, who booed the lackluster play on the field (though they do see this game every year, what did they really expect?), it has become abundantly clear that maybe the world’s most hypercompetitive athletes want to keep the showcase of their league’s best talents a competitive affair. In this rightfully anointed “quarterback’s league,” that puts passing records under constant assault, we need to keep the Aaron Rodgerses of the world happy. They are the NFL’s meal ticket, the engine that powers the high-octane weekly excitement football fans experience from the kickoff of week one through the final seconds of the Super Bowl.
Except for the Pro Bowl, the Ford Pinto of the NFL. The league’s best players cautiously maneuver through the game at half-speed, worried that they would blow out something if they were to cut it loose. Coming from the unforgiving conditions of Green Bay and being responsible for leading the Packers to the most points scored in the NFL this past season, there is no surprise that Rodgers is uncomfortable participating in the football knock-off on display in Honolulu.
That’s why I suggest that we task Aaron Rodgers with revamping our NFL all-star game experience. Until he launches into his off-season training regimen, I imagine he is spending most of his time sticking pins into a voodoo doll of Eli Manning’s likeness. Some less destructive and more productive activity might be healthy for him. Since he has issued this rallying cry for systemic reform, I must only assume he has some ideas in mind. But should the manufacture and upkeep of an impeccably detailed voodoo doll be more taxing mentally than I am giving it credit for, perhaps I can suggest some minor alterations to implement prior to the 2013 game.
Current Pro Bowl convention: in order to ensure the health and safety of all players, no blitzing is allowed.
New “James Harrison Rule”: the defense must blitz at least five pass rushers on every play. Also, James Harrison must be on the field for the defense on all downs, for both teams.
Current Pro Bowl convention: The players simply go through the motions of the play on the field, while the few willing to marginally exert their athleticism dominate their peers who are simply there to take in a paid Hawaiian vacation (Dolphins receiver Brandon Marshall grabbed 6 catches for 176 yards and 4 touchdowns to earn the Pro Bowl MVP award, which might as well just stand for Most Valuable Participator).
New “Liam Neeson Rule”: since football is the greatest TV sport we have anyway, we do away with those annoying Hawaiian fans and their thirst for at least some effort on the field and play the Pro Bowl on the mountains of Smithers, British Columbia, where The Grey was filmed. If a free trip to paradise won’t get NFL players to perform, those wolves sure will.
Current Pro Bowl convention: the fans vote for (ostensibly) the best and most deserving players in the NFL to play in its all-star game.
New “Cam Newton Rule”: Matthew Stafford handily outplayed the Panthers’ rookie phenom this season, but Newton got the nod over Stafford to go to Honolulu. After somehow managing to complete only a third of his passes and throw three interceptions against a vestigial Pro Bowl defense, some retribution against Newton is necessary. Let’s still let the fans vote, but come on people, let’s be smarter about this. As for Cam Newton, take a year off and think about what you’ve done.
These new rules are only the beginning, a step towards a Pro Bowl game more palatable for those fickle, joy-seeking fans, and more suitable to the sensibilities of Mr. Rodgers and his revolutionary vision of an all-star game that showcases the grit and toughness of football instead of pushing it out of the limelight. The one issue left to resolve is how we’ll have high-caliber players left to play in 2014 after they get through next year’s Pro Bowl. It makes you think: even if we might have overstepped the bounds of logic and the amount of pain the human body can withstand with these changes, is a full-contact pro football all-star game really anything more than a pipe dream after all?
Comments are closed