Why do we thank each other? Despite different cultures using the term in slightly different contexts, some thanking more frequently and readily than others, I believe that thanking is more than just a social norm that our parents have taught us to uphold. When we thank people, we actually suggest something substantial about how we view our relationships with them, both consciously and subconsciously. Thanking in specific situations alludes to a perception of relational expectations and power dynamics and establishes moral norms within a society.

Here are some examples:

Neither my mother nor I particularly enjoy cooking. She has never really been excited about spending time peeling potatoes or sautéing vegetables, and unfortunately I have never truly fulfilled my role as a good daughter by happily picking up the slack. That being said, my mother does cook every Friday afternoon so that we have food for the weekend, and when I’m home I cook with her. The interesting part of this anecdote is that after every grueling cooking session, my mother thanks me for helping her. Why? Well, it seems to me that her thanking me implies two distinct ideas: First, the power dynamic between us is that my mother is the head chef, while I am a lowly, replaceable line cook; and second, that the expectation is that my mother will do the heavy lifting and that my contribution is considered an added bonus.

In trying to formulate an example to illustrate the role of thanking in a more obviously moral context, I thought about our relationships with our parents. When it comes to our mothers, for instance, we often do not find it necessary to thank them for everything they do for us—especially when we’re sick and in need of some TLC. This would suggest that we expect our mothers to take care of us and cook us chicken soup to make us feel better, and that we do not consider their actions as exemplary enough to warrant a thank you. The same thing applies with regard to fathers, who seem to be expected to take out the trash or kill the spiders that find their way into our rooms. Now, although we retain these expectations of our parents, it is interesting to note that as a society Americans have decided that we need to institutionalize special days in which to thank our parents, thereby asserting that we should not expect anything of them solely on account of their relationship to us.

Thus, it seems as though what we mean by thanking people is to signify to them that their behavior has deviated from the norm by positively exceeding our expectations of kindness.

So what would it mean if there was a society in which everyone was expected to always go “above and beyond” to help others? The things for which we now thank each other would be considered the norm—so much so that there would never be a reason to thank anyone. The expectation of universal moral excellence would set a threshold for acceptable behavior whereby favors would not exist since they would merely be expressions of the norm. Would this society then contain no righteous people since they would be as righteous as the common folk? It seems that the only behavior that could deviate from the norm would be rude or destructive in nature, for anything positive would be incorporated into social behavioral expectations.

By not maintaining a system though which to express appreciation for exceptional positive acts, we effectively establish a norm that will inevitably produce animosity. Instead of making everyone kinder, the increased expectation would cause individual strain and likely a greater sense of guilt. If people did not abide by the new moral norm by “going out of their way,” they would be disdained, even if their behavior satisfied a basic moral standard.

Thus, I find that the communicative function of a “thank you” is extremely important to our social understandings. It informs us as to the position of power we hold relative to others, the reciprocal expectations we have in our relationships, and, most importantly, the general moral norms that are meant to guide our actions.

With all that being said, I would like to offer you a hearty “thanks” for reading this column. This is my last piece for the school year, so we will meet again next fall. Until then, stay warm, Wesleyan. And thank you.