To Whom It May Concern:

I recently purchased my first loaf of Freihofer’s Country White Bread at the Wesleyan grocery store, or Weshop. I was impressed by its quality—you folks surely do not loaf around. In fact, it was gorgeously fluffy, refreshingly light—heavenly hearty. Unfortunately, and to my dismay, I am not writing to praise the quality of your craftsmanship. I know this bread was made from fine ingredients upholding the supreme traditions of white-breadery so characteristic of the Freihofer name. But alas, when I reached the heel, what was left was a lone slice, something I find rather troubling. Thus despite the sweetness of your bread, I could not help but be left with the taste of sour dough.

I spent a full week, salivating over my sensationally savory sandwiches– touting the beautiful bounty of your bakery to anyone who would listen, slinging sandwiches in the streets at both the receptive and the reluctant passersby. I even considered replacing my mattress with these soft slices, so that I too, might know what it is like to sleep on a cloud. With each bite I felt floured with a gift. But alas, on that day I was inconsolable, for this solitary slice, much like myself, had no mate-and will forever be engrained in my memory.

I have heard of practical jokes, “Tom Foolery,” “Joshing Around,” “the FGSS major,” and “Roosting the Rooster,” but in all my years I have never been so devastated.

I understand that not everyone eats bread consistently in two-slice portions. However, I consider myself among the upper crust of bread consumers. I only ever use two slices per sandwich– no more, no less. Therefore, I am sure that this lonely slice is not a result of inconsistent eating habits. I am forced to conclude that you, Bimbo Bakeries, in a momentary lapse of judgment, have chosen to divide bread oddly, but hearts evenly in two.

I do not expect you to halt production and retrofit your bakery, for I am a man of reason. I do, however, ask for the privilege of community service: a lifetime two-for-one special on loaves would allow me to pair these lonely heels and souls together. Perhaps then, I too, like Jesus, could find it in my pierced heart to forgive. After all, I would hate for our relationship to grow stale….and it’s the yeast you could do.

With severe disappointment, Richard “Dick” Bevilacquaeichengreen III D.D.S.