A Modest Proposal: Reasons Why Beta Should Return to Campus

by The Brothers of Delta Kappa Epsilon

Over at Delta Kappa Epsilon it’s been hard for us not to notice the recent struggle between the University and our fellow fraternity Beta Theta Pi. The crux of this struggle lies in Beta’s refusal to become a part of campus and join the program house community, a community DKE is proud to be a part of! I urge you Beta to heed the sage advice of DKE and join us; there is much to gain. Let us enlighten you and describe some of the privileges you’re missing out on. First, aren’t you tired of bearing the burden of throwing parties? Well, if you become a program house like us this will no longer be your burden to bear, because there will be no parties. Don’t be alarmed; you can technically throw parties just as long as they follow the stringent University guidelines and are registered with the university and monitored by PSafe.  I mean come on, at the end of the day who would really want to attend a party that didn’t adhere to campus rules and didn’t meet the approval of the Deans?  Some other program houses include German Haus, Alpha Delt, and Music House. We all abide by the same rules despite house size, property ownership, and whether we’re a fraternity or not.  The first rule you should be familiar with is that under no circumstance can you have over 50 people in your house (including residents) unless you’ve registered an event. I know what you’re thinking, “That’s ridiculous!” Well, clearly you haven’t thought about the fire hazard or crowd control issues.  Do you really think that 51 people can safely fit in our stately fraternity houses without the university approving of the nature of the gathering and without PSafe’s presence? Back to parties, should you decide to have a party behind the administration’s back (and by party I mean a keg and the kids who live in your house sitting in the basement playing beer pong), don’t worry because PSafe is probably parked across from your house and will break in without cause by 11:30pm to confiscate the keg and write people up to make sure things don’t get out of hand. (They’re the best!) Now should you engage in activities like this, I’ll warn you that most likely you’ll wind up in front of the SJB and the deans, but they’re pretty cool about all this stuff. ‘Probation’ is just a fancy word that will last indefinitely and will be increased on a whim by the deans.

We here at DKE have been on probation since the fall of 2008 and the people who violated university law have been out of Wesleyan for nearly a year, but it’s only fair that we bear the burdens of their past mistakes.

You may have looked up the fact that in the last 8 years DKE has only been off of probation for 6 months, and this may seem like a pattern of disrespect or perhaps a flat out prejudice against us and fraternities in general, but you’d be wrong.   The baggage of DKES for the last 150 years and more should be ours to inherit.  (After all, don’t the children inherit the sins of the parents?) Let’s be real Beta, get with the times; college isn’t about parties and drinking. When the administrators were in college things like keg parties didn’t exist.  Our generation has created a warped college culture that is based merely on drinking, drug use, and the desire to finally let loose after years of living with our parents. Get with the program!  We have new parents now, the deans, the SJB and the administrators, so please come join our family!

Regards,

The Brothers of Delta Kappa Epsilon

P.S. A special thanks to Public Safety and the Deans for the enormous amount of attention they pay to our house. We feel safer thanks to their diligent surveillance and take comfort in knowing that we are forever under their microscope and appreciate the cordial nature of their demeanor when they choose to use forced entry in order to write us up for having people in our basement on Saturday nights. At an esteemed university like Wesleyan it’s only right that laws like criminal trespassing be ignored in favor of saving the greater good from the evils of casual drinking and light music.

Delta Kappa Epsilon is a registered fraternity on campus.

  • lolz

    This was great.

  • broseph goebbels

    FIRST

  • bro

    this is amazing.

  • Deke

    Hahahaha.

  • Curious

    Who actually wrote this?

  • yup

    amazing

  • go hard

    hats off.

  • FTW

    A+

  • Alumnus '09

    Excellent.

  • not a bro

    The best thing I've read on this site.

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