We here at the Blargus are going to break a long-standing Argus tradition: we, the editorial staff of this “fine” “news” “organization” will be endorsing candidates in the important election for freshman class representative. We wish to remind you that we are only loosely affiliated with the actual Argus, and that our views don’t represent the views of the Argus as a whole (in fact they’re probably bashing their heads into their keyboards as they read this).

We would also like to remind our wonderful candidates that weren’t endorsed that they might still possibly have a chance of winning. Maybe.

So here are the criteria by which we judged the candidates:

1. We won’t endorse any candidate that says they want to “change Wesleyan” (unless there’s a very good reason). If the Blargus wanted a change it would’ve happened by now.
2. Enthusiasm is important.
3. We must agree 100% with your platform, or at least respect you for using that angle.

So here are our picks:

1. Qianqian Zhou. By far the most articulate candidate: he really captures the essence of WSA. We also fervently believe that there should be an official system to determine whether the students possess the knowledge to skip certain classes.
2. Nikki Softness. There aren’t many times in life when someone with such a perfect name says something like this: “With a soft touch, I’ll make hard changes.” Perfect.
3. Maurice Hill. Any WSA candidate running on a Family Values ticket gets our vote. (Plus, we’ll probably need him to balance out Nikki Softness anyways).
4. Christian Schneider. We’re always in favor of more Christians on the WSA.
5. Sydney Lewis. She looked really, really enthusiastic in her photo–and we love that.
6. Sihui Zhu. “Just like the bright red on Wesleyan’s badge, my heart is also such a passionate red, and I can’t help but infuse my ardour to people around me in order to create the most comfortable campus.” Beautifully put–our hearts bleed Cardinal red.
7. Nicole Okai. Upon reading her campaign statement, it was pretty clear to us that a vote for Nicole Okai is a vote for drunken falafel.

Honorable mentions to:

Pirapong Jitngamplang.

Arthur “Chachi” Burkart.

We also support any number of the following write-in candidates:

1. Giant Joint
2. Be one-issue voters! For example, “Why do we have to pay for laundry? I mean seriously, this is ridiculous, no one else has to pay for laundry. What an embarrassment–my friend at Milwaukee Area Technical College doesn’t pay for laundry, surely we shouldn’t have to either.”
3. Michael Roth.
4. Anything you feel like writing.

About Gabe Lezra

The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides with the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who in the name of charity and good will shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon those with great vengeance and with furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know that my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee. Ezekiel 25-17.