The Evil Overlord has a guide. So do the Hero and the True Love. Now it’s time for That Guy. You know, the one who dies just so they can show how dangerous the monster is. The one who has that one funny line and is never seen again. That Guy. If you are ever That Guy, that everyman somewhere in the middle between the valiant Hero and the sinister Evil Overlord, you need to know how to Genre Savvy your way to being alive at the end of the film. Thus, I present to you the Movie Character Survival Guide.

1. If I am assigned to work for a military or government agency (especially starships and the like), I will try to work towards a job in divisions other than security or R & D.
2. If I live in an impoverished area and something good happens to me, I will not tell anyone about it. Either they’ll kill me for it if they all hate me, or I’ll die in a horrible twist of fate if they all love me.
3. If I live in an impoverished area and I am a promising young student with every opportunity to get out, I will do so post-haste before someone tragically kills me right before my acceptance to Princeton arrives in the mail.
4. If I am a woman, I will never have sex with/have romantic relations with someone who has ever run afoul of terrorists/supernatural beings/gangsters/superheroes/supervillains/all of the above.
5. I will make sure that not everyone loves me, and conversely, not everyone hates me.
6. I will never stay to take just one cellphone pic of the monster.
7. If I am sexually active and decide to spend the night in a scary house with my drunken friends, I will stop having sex immediately. And I certainly will not have sex in the scary house.
8. I will not tamper with funny-looking stuff that came from outer space.
9. I will not tamper with funny-looking stuff that came from outer space.
10. If I am The Black Dude, I will make sure to be played by Will Smith, Samuel L. Jackson, or Denzel Washington. Maybe Don Cheadle. NOTE: You’re pretty much screwed if you’re played by a rapper trying to jump-start his film career.
11. If I see an impossibly cool car going at ludicrous speeds down the highway and it’s being chased by helicopters/another impossibly cool car/explosions, I will get off at the next exit.
12. I will not use dangerous missions in which I could potentially be useful to show off my cool death-defying stunt.
13. If I’m in a combat situation, I will never, under any circumstances, carry a picture of my happy, loving family on my person. Nor will I carry a Bible, marijuana, or fake blood squibs that I use to freak out my comrades.
14. If I’m in a dramatic combat situation, under no circumstances will I be funny.
15. If I’m in a combat situation, I will not be a racist. Especially if the Dramatic Combat Situation is in Vietnam, Africa, or Pandora.
16. If I am a soldier in the Legions of Doom, I will obtain marksmanship training from a competent outside source.
17. I will heed orders to evacuate, especially when the reason for evacuation is an eldritch abomination, a giant mutant dinosaur, a nuclear apocalypse, or a zombie plague.
18. I will listen to the limp-dicked science major because a) ze is usually right, and b) if ze snaps, I will be spared.
19. I will not pick on the weird kid who can move stuff with hir mind. Especially around prom night.
20. I will not be a beloved character in any work by Joss Whedon.