Here in the last issue of the term, we thought we’d simply share with you a couple of things Carter L. Bays wrote for the Argus in his time at Wesleyan. We would write something about Craig Thomas…but he doesn’t exist. Anyway:
Ampersand, September 16, 1994:
“Oh Wow, You Have A Guitar: A Play” by Carter L. Bays
(Carter is sitting in WestCo lounge. A mob of girl approach and encircle him.)
Girls: Oh wow you have a guitar!
Girls: Do you know any Cat Stevens?
Carter: I don’t think so.
Girls: You know, that one that goes, “It’s not time to make a change, just relax, take it easy…”
Carter: Oh, you mean “Father and Son?”
Girls: Yeah! Can you play it?
Girls: You must know some Indigo Girls…
Girls: How about some Dylan?
Girls: How about “Blister in the Sun” by the Violent Femmes? You know, duh-nah-nuh-nah-nuh, duh-nah-nuh-nah-nuh
Girls: Bob Marley?
Carter: I can play “Redemption Songs.”
Girls: PLAY IT! PLAY IT! PLAY IT!
Carter: Oh, wait, my mistake, I only know the first chord.
Girls: Do you know any Dead?
Carter: That’s country music, right?
Girls: What about the Beatles? You have to know the Beatles! Everyone knows the Beatles. YOU CAN’T POSSIBLY PRESUME TO PLAY AN ACOUSTIC GUITAR IN A PUBLIC LOUNGE WITHOUT AT LEAST KNOWING THE FIRST THREE BARS TO FUCKING “BLACKBIRD!”
Carter: Oh, yeah, I know “Blackbird.”
(Carter plays “Who’s Got The Ten and A Half?” by Black Flagg. The girls are unimpressed. Carter gets no play for the following four years of his life. The End.)
Our Opinion: Somewhat dated, but the timeless theme of girls flocking around an acoustic guitar is something we all can relate to.
Ampersand, October 7, 1994:
Sonnet #134, by Carter L. Bays
My love, for thee I’d cross a thousand seas,
And climb a million mountains far and near,
I’ll be your handkerchief for every sneeze,
Whenever you may call, I’ll be right here
Outside your window watching you undress
And following you everywhere you go.
I’ve tapped your telephone, my love, and yes,
I’ve read your mail, and O! It pains me so
To see you talking to that other guy
Ignoring all my cold, obsessive stares.
Perhaps you’ll see my love for you when I
Slice him open like a ripen’d pear.
My darling, I am not afraid to kill,
And if I cannot have you, no one will.
Our Opinion: Pretty fucking brilliant. Carter, how could you have summed up so perfectly fifteen years ago what we feel for you today?
So viewers, be prepared. Because next semester we will be refreshed and on the hunt. The interview WILL happen. We WILL get it. Our plans will be carried out. The Wemmy will be created. The fan-videos will be broadcast. And more stalking…we mean research…will be done. Happy holidays everyone! Don’t get fucked over by your exams.