Author’s Note: The following document was submitted to the author by an anonymous source in the Admissions Office*. It contains the original drafts of what are now the Admissions and Campus Life web pages.

ADMISSIONS:

Are You Wesleyan?

Do you contemplate infinity for the fun of it? If so, ask us about Eclectic, where you can not only contemplate infinity, but depending on how much you can afford to spend on controlled substances, you can see it as regularly as every week!

Do you have a new favorite book every week?

Do you have a new favorite genre every week?

Do you have a new favorite self every week?

If you answered yes to the first question, ask us about the College of Letters, where your interest in every favorite book you’ve ever had will be slowly and agonizingly slaughtered.

If you answered yes to the second question, ask us about the Film Department, where everyone’s lives are henceforth defined by either the tragedy or comedy genre depending on what shoes they wore when they first met Jeanine Basinger.

If you answered yes to the last question, ask us about the Office of Behavioral Health.

Do you quote Hume, Hegel and Homer Simpson accurately, but intentionally misquote fellow students with whom you disagree? If so, Wesleyan’ chapter of Students for a Democratic Society would love to have you!

If you were an automobile, would you be a converted hybrid? If so, would you be interested in participating in our new “Cap & Gown for Clunkers” Exchange student program?

Do neuroscience, dance and history seem like a logical combination? If so, have fun finding an advisor for your senior thesis on “The Psychology of Restless Leg Syndrome as a Cultural Artifact of Riverdance.”

Also expect to only get honors on it. And expect nobody to read it. Not even your thesis readers.

Do you surf the library? Can you understand how to use the library website? If so, congratulations, you have just been hired as an IMS technician!

Do you find patterns in complexity? If so, does our housing system make ANY sense to you?!

Would you stay up all night to make friends for life? Would you spend that night in bed with the person you’re trying to make friends for life with? If so, prepare to become famous on the Anonymous Confession Board. Oh, and ask us about Westco.

Do you expect to spend your whole life learning? If so, we do not recommend a career in academia, so consider getting your degree in something which will actually help you in the job market.

Are you actually qualified to attend this school? If so, get ready to spend the next four years feeling guilty for being such a tool of the patriarchal, racist, classist, heterosexist, monoculturalist, religion-obsessed, speciesist, Eurocentric system. Or join the College Republicans.

Are you the sort of person whose accomplishments are so vast that they can’t be summed up in two-minute over-produced video clip? Watch us try anyway!

CAMPUS LIFE:

Most Wesleyan students probably do about seven things at one time, and have great difficulty knowing which of them to put on their resume. Three might be academic tasks, such as skimming the reading, doing work the night before it’s due, and requesting extensions because you have a protest tomorrow. Two of them might involve student organizations, such as WesKINK and Advocates for Satan, and two might be community service or political engagement, either of which could involve drawing dildos on the sidewalk or campaigning for nonstarter local candidates.

Another endeavor might be playing on one of Wesleyan’s athletic teams or club sports, but really, we’d rather not talk about that because most of us got picked last in gym class anyway. Or just having a cup of Joe in the Usdan Center, and then feeling embarrassed that the website authors never learned the definition of a sentence fragment. Or maybe it’s cooking a vegan potluck and then having no one want to eat any of it…watching a film in one of the country’s best projection facilities which can’t even get the sound right sometimes…using WiFi (or hallucinogens, whichever’s easiest to pay for) while watching a baseball game from Foss Hill. Or meditating and exploring religious and spiritual activities, but since this campus routinely gets ranked one of the most atheist in the country, we doubt you’ll be doing that unless you’re a “stupid, backwoods Christian hick.” Or create your own favorite activities for multitasking.

That’s what Wesleyan students do.

*Actually, this document is wholly a work of fiction—given that no Admissions office employee would ever draft anything so honest, even in jest.