A pretty novel thing happened to me the other day. It was, in fact, so striking, so unexpected that I lost my tongue. I’m not a woman who has my words taken from me very easily, but damn it, I was really surprised.

I got asked out. On a date. I was asked quietly, politely, to dinner by a guy I don’t know very well, and it was pretty nice.

Last year, I was feeling pretty bold and I sent a guy whom I knew through a student group out for “coffee, drinks, dinner, whatever.” He replied that he “didn’t think [he had] the maturity to match my boldness.” Well, hey, that’s fine—that’s a legitimately thoughtful response. He also invited me to his frat to drink some of their free beer sometime. I said, thanks, but that it’s not my scene and I’d see him around. No awkwardness ensued. (Perhaps he underestimated his maturity, or was just extremely tactful. Either way, bravo.)

Given: I liked being asked out more than I liked being turned down. But I’d take being turned down for a date than a miscommunication brought on by a sexual encounter any day. Dates are widely considered old fashioned. The “hookup culture” is in and politeness and perhaps, even romance, are out. I even read it in The New York Times (“The Demise of Dating” )! It must be true!

False. Dating isn’t dead. In my first column, I redefined dating, but in doing so I didn’t mean to imply that actual dates—going out for dinner or an activity with someone of romantic interest or an already significant other—is not a viable option. In fact, it might be my favorite option right now, for several reasons.

One: asking and accepting means mutual interest—however mild on the accepter’s part. (You got him or her there, now that’s certainly a start, try not to mess it up in parts two, three, and four.)

Two: physical chemistry is put on hold for a minute while personality gets to take center stage. Unless, of course, you forgo the “dinner” part of the classic “dinner and a movie” and instead, just make out or cop a feel in the dark with your date. (This move is probably better left for committed couples who are looking to “spice things up.”)

Three: each party has equal opportunity to get out before they get in. Unhappy relationships so frequently are a product of one person feeling trapped and/or the other person feeling neglected—dates aren’t the solution, they are, however, a preventative measure.

Four: it allows for a first “romantic” encounter not to be a sexual one. That’s pretty key. The difference between kissing someone at a party and then having s/he” pull away is a lot less embarrassing than a simple, but more eloquently stated, “no thanks” to a date. Or worse, sleeping with someone and wanting it to go somewhere, while it never will, is as close to heartbreak as you can get without loving someone.

In terms of sex and dating, I’m into maximizing fun and minimizing pain. I’m not one to get too close too fast and after being hurt, it takes time for me to recover. Going out on a date (or two or three), isn’t the only way to ease in or ease out of relationships, but it’s a pretty good strategy.

So risk a little, with the potential to save a lot of unnecessary wallowing. You might even have a good time.

Post script: While phone calls have been standard practice for “asking out” in the past, I’d just like to mention that voicemails and emails give the recipient of the invitation a chance to think about the prospective date without being on the spot to give an answer. It’s just my opinion, but I don’t see it as cowardly, I see it as empathetic.