Ever since arriving at this school, it has been painfully obvious that many of the students could use a good smack in the jaw to show them just how truly ugly the human condition is, and just how necessary it is for them to rethink their cute little notions of utopia and “social justice.” Fortunately, it now appears that I do not even need to necessarily take on the whole campus, and even if I did, it would be much easier. After three years of “mainstreaming,” Wesleyan has basically become similar to any other liberal arts college, except a little more liberal, and a little more artsy. Both elements work to my advantage, in the sense that the former tends to dovetail with nonviolence and the latter tends to dovetail with weak-kneed sensitivity.

But moreover, I know that I am not actually fighting all of Wesleyan. To begin with, one group of people who I know won’t be showing up to attack me will be the fraternities. Having also been rejected by the “progressive” mainstream at Wesleyan, and also having a long history of producing officers in the College Republicans, DKE and Beta are much more likely to form my base of operations than to be hostile. Moreover, most students are so apathetic that they are less likely to actually try fighting me than to idly complain on the ACB about what a vexatious twit I am, and how much they wish whoever does fight me will insert their boot into my posterior. The vernacular they use, I expect, will be different.

This leaves only two groups left with sufficient grudges against me to actually try fighting me – the antiwar crowd and SDS. Let’s begin with the antiwar crowd. Having secured multimillion dollar investments in their companies a few years back with the anti-divestment campaign, I will instantly call Raytheon and General Dynamics and ask them for as many cluster bombs as they can make. I do not expect to have to use them, as their very presence will provoke my antiwar opponents to instantly hole themselves up in Olin and draft as many irate Wespeaks about my “social irresponsibility” as possible, while simultaneously pledging themselves to positions of nonviolence. Then they will get high. Thus, they will be removed from the picture.

This leaves SDS, who are likely to try to swarm me in as disorganized a fashion as possible, given that they would see any actual organization as emblematic of white, capitalist, Captain Planet-hating oppression. At first, I shall run away, leading them toward a massive table already laid out with gallons of rotted food. I shall then dial the Middletown health department and tell them that Food Not Bombs has recommenced handing out food in public while dodging as many poorly flung punches from my opponents as possible. Shortly, the police will arrive and arrest my opponents, who will be too preoccupied protesting “the pigs” to notice me. Thus, I win.

  • Mytheos Holt

    Note: Unlike my column, nothing written here is serious.