Every June, we pop-watchers get excited for the appearance of summer jams: eminently catchy nuggets o’ fun that get overplayed egregiously without anyone minding. You know what we’re talking about – eternal classics like OutKast’s “Hey Ya,” Usher’s “Yeah,” and J-T’s “SexyBack.” Last summer gave us some pretty perfect examples in the form of “A Milli” and “Love In This Club.” But this summer we didn’t get shit. Here’s a rundown of the commercially successful (but terrible) pop songs that failed to achieve the legendary stature for which they strived.
5. “Don’t Trust Us” – 3OH!3
Oh god. This is song is almost good. But from the hipsters-by-way-of-Z 100 attitude to the over-enunciation to the horrific Helen-Keller-themed breakdown, this song oozes douche-juice. We’d definitely dance to this if we were drunk. But we’d also drive into a lamppost.
4. “Birthday Sex” – Jeremih
Uh-oh. Someone forgot someone’s special day…
3. “LoveGame” – Lady GaGa
There was a time in the distant past when sexually explicit, gender-bending pop was titillating—engaging even. Maybe it was because pop-stars used to use innuendo. But listening to GaGa brazenly mumble “Let’s have some fun, this beat is sick, I wanna take a ride on your disco stick” is just depressing. Thanks for ruining sex for everyone.
2. “Best I Ever Had” – Drake.
Sorry, Drake. No pop-star status for you. You are, and will always be, Jimmy, the wheelchair-bound basketball star from Degrassi: The Next Generation. And telling your girl “Shorty, you da fuckin’ best” is not romantic. Or at least not south of the border.
1. “Boom Boom Pow” – The Black Eyed Peas
Is there any act that tries more pathetically to capture the zeitgeist than the Black Eyed Peas? No. No there isn’t. This song is full of cringe-inducing references to satellite radio and HDTV. We may be fairly 2000 and late, but at least we never bragged about stepping on leprechauns after cribbing Kanye lyrics.