Martin Benjamin v. Mamoun’s

Martin Benjamin has showed more grit during this tournament than anyone predicted: for a creepy old guy, he can sure wield a brick, a Molotov cocktail, and a cunning rhetorical device. Not to mention that he recently declared himself a deity. But when it came down to it, Martin seemed to loose his fire, as his hunger to win was literally satiated by Mamoun’s salty, gooey, tangy goodness. Mamoun’s turned the great Martin Benjamin from a fire spitting, roaring deity to a quietly napping, purring housecat. May God help their next opponent. Winner: Mamoun’s

Han Solo v. Santa Claus

General Solo and Ole Saint Nick came out on top of their game—they both pride themselves on speed and cunning, with Santa’s ability to fly around the world in a single night compared with Han’s ability to make the Kessel Run in 12 parsecs. Solo’s blaster seemed to neutralize the fat man’s laser vision, but Santa was no match for Han’s panache and large, hairy sidekick. Much like Will Smith, the General has an extremely otherworldly ability to make it look good, and there are only so many times you can hear “ho ho ho” before kicking someone’s ass. Oh, and reindeer don’t pull people’s arms out of their sockets when they lose.  Winner: Han Solo.