Martin Benjamin v. Them

As in the first round, expect Them to quickly and easily devour Martin Benjamin. The flesh of one innocent, God-fearing American could never satiate Them, and Martin Benjamin, despite his wily defeat of Mytheos, is no exception. Argus Pick: Them.

Taylor Swift v. Mamoun’s

Despite a valiant effort, Taylor Swift won’t be able to carry her Cinderella run into the semis—despite how much she tries to look like said princess. Mamoun’s brings too much joy to the world to be defeated, and no matter how many teardrops Taylor spilled (on her guitar or otherwise), Mamoun’s would not be denied. Argus Pick: Mamoun’s.

Backstreet Boys v. Han Solo

The Backstreet Boys managed to pull off an uncanny upset over Will Smith in the first round, but Smith was a badass in decline. Will Smith hasn’t been able to pull off a convincing defeat of an army of monsters since I, Robot, and even that performance was considered shoddy by many. Han Solo is at the top of his game, and comes into this round hungry and well-prepared. Expect Han to make a run straight to the finals. Argus Pick: Han Solo

Santa v. Zac Efron

Zac Efron is agile, and so he will probably fair better than Santi did against Santa’s laser eyes. But anonymous sources within the Claus camp suggest that Ole Saint Nick has a few more tricks up his sleeve, including ice-breath, shape-shifting, and an ability to talk to sea creatures. Efron has little that can stand up to that spread. Argus Pick: Santa