Glenn Beck v. Them

As expected, They devoured Glenn Beck. Apparently, They really did surround him, and not the other way around—oops. This was one of the quickest Death Matches in recent history, as They leapt from the ceilings, the walls, the shadows, and even from behind their curtains to feast on Glenn Beck. Meanwhile, petrified with fear, Glenn Beck soiled himself. Winner: Them

Martin Benjamin v. Mytheos Holt

Martin Benjamin was too much for Mytheos Holt, especially when it came to blows—for an older gentleman, Benjamin sure can deliver a brick to the face. And while Mytheos has essentially indestructible verbal defenses, this was decidedly not the case physically. Winner: Martin Benjamin

Late Night v. Mamoun’s

Mamoun’s won because of broad popular consensus and cuz’ fuuuuuuck, man. I’m having a love affair with these cheese fries. And in the end, love is all we need.  Am I right? Winner: Mamoun’s

Taylor Swift v. Britney Spears

In one of the biggest upsets of the tournament, Taylor Swift showed Britney Spears why she (Taylor) is the face of the future—change versus the same, and Americans chose change. While Britney’s insanity gave her a leg up when the match inevitably came to blows, Taylor was able to outlast her initial onslaught with youthful vigor (and because Mr. Darcy broke Britney’s kneecap mid-kick). Winner: Taylor Swift

Will Smith v. Backstreet Boys

After taking an early lead on the strength of his fresh rhymes, his witty one-liners and his unparalleled ability to make this look good, Will Smith lost control of the competition, betraying the same lack of commitment to being a badass that has so far prevented a sequel to Independence Day. Meanwhile, Backstreet’s perseverance was ultimately rewarded. Winner: Backstreet

Han Solo v. Indian Jones

We knew this would be the saddest of Death Matches, for no matter the outcome, we would see a great man laid low. Professor Jones performed with grace and valiance befitting so eminent a gentleman scholar, but General Solo proved the victor due to his keen eye and trusty blaster. Despite our sorrow at Jones’s fall, no onlooker could but be moved to see combatants perform at the very pinnacle of their craft. Winner: Han Solo

Zac Efron v. The Jonas Brothers

Zac Efron pulled off his victory through sheer brutality. After separating the Brothers, he quickly and quietly dispatched Kevin. Next he ambushed and captured Nick. Efron held the youngest Jonas hostage until Joe surrendered himself. With the remaining JoBros at his mercy, Efron showed none. Winner: Zac Efron

Santigold v. Santa Claus

Who knew that Santa had laser vision? Santigold certainly did not. Winner: Santa Claus