Authors’ Note: Given that the author thought it would be dull to welcome the influx of prefrosh with yet another textbook denunciation of Obama/The Left/liberal shallowness, he thought it more appropriate to sing about them in order to showcase the fact that, at Wesleyan, even conservatives are unconventional. Enjoy:

 

Wes is the very model of a liberal university

Conservatives around this school are faced with great adversity

The scorn Republicans will face will only be additional

If they believe in markets free or social codes traditional.

 

Wes questions even scientific concepts like an octagon

Because our students think that they’re a tool of the Panopticon

They think that every straight, white male attains an unfair civil edge

Yet never stop to ask if they’ve been blinded by their privilege! 

 

(Yes, students at an elite school have not a trace of privilege

Although you were admitted here, don’t think that that’s a privilege

You mustn’t feel too proud of your unearned, unjust and evil privilege!)

 

Once of this Manichean view you’ve gotten the didactic gist

You’ll see why Wes produces such a fresh supply of activists

And as our nickname even says that we support diversity,

Wes is the very model of a liberal university!

 

(Yes, we reject our privilege in favor of diversity,

We are the very model of a liberal university!)

 

Despite the fact that Left-wing views are totally refutable,

The students here behave as though they’re damn nigh indisputable.

For almost all the students here, your race and class are formative

Which means you mustn’t hurt those groups with judgments that are normative

 

Try questioning a Leftist’s views of justice or utopia

And you’ll be spared no cry of prejudice or homophobia!

Though this has gotten less pronounced and reason is increasing too

It still is not for nothing that our school is known as PCU!

 

(Yes, still not quite for nothing that this school is known as PCU

That’s not to say it’s still as much a nightmare now at PCU

But still, we mustn’t think that Wes has gotten past its days of being PCU!)

 

My peers are still unsure why the admission office let me in

Considering my views are just so backwards and Hayekian

But given that a right-wing view is seen as a perversity,

Wes is the very model of a liberal university.

 

And though this school’s Republicans have learned that they can hold the fort,

I still cannot escape my high school nickname of “Lord Voldemort.”

When one meets with a crazy view, one should be proud to query it

That saves us from dictatorship of rich or proletariat.

The depths of deepest thinking every prefrosh will be plumbing here,

And I think they should know what they’re in danger of becoming here.

So prefrosh, do be warned that though this school claims to be critical

Don’t take that as a given in the realm of the political.

And if you want to find a school that’s cutthroat and has high intrigue

Might I suggest you send your card to somewhere in the Ivy League?

 

(Though Wes is just as good as any school within the Ivy League

We’re simply not as cutthroat as those folks who’re in the Ivy League

This place is very different from the style of the Ivy type of League!)

 

So when you pick the school that your own future you’re investing in

Remember what I’ve written of the ups and downs of Wesleyan.

You’d hate to have to transfer out or face four years of this with terse-ity

But we would love to have you study here within Wes University!