5. Old Spice Double Impact Body Wash: Sex columnist Dan Savage recently flipped his shit over this commercial, which features a half-man, half-horse rubbing himself in the shower, saying it’ll create a whole generation of centaur fetishists. We thought he was overreacting…until we googled “boytaur.”
4. Bob Dylan Victoria Secret Commercial – We’re not sure what moved the king of 60s counterculture to cut his hair into a poodle mullet, and leer at a bunch of scantily clad models from behind gauzy curtains… but we do know this is about to become a “bad touch” situation.
Youtube search: Bob
3. Quiznos Toasty Torpedo – An unsuspecting Quiznos employee is propositioned by his deep-voiced toaster oven, which keeps making masochistic demands. Creepy dialogue ensues:
Toaster Oven: Scott, I want you to do something.
Scott: I’m not doing that again…I burned.
Toaster Oven: We both enjoyed that. Now I want you to introduce my greatest creation: the new toasty torpedo.
Scott: The new toasty torpedo?
Toaster Oven: You make one.
Toaster Oven: Put it in me, Scott…Put it in me…
2. Shamwow: Shamwow commercials were creepy enough before (“It’s like a shammy! It’s like a towel! It’s like a sponge!), but after finding out that Vince Offer (real name: Vince Shlomi) beat up a cannibalistic hooker, all we can say is Sham…WOW.
1. Lowe’s: We don’t know what the fuck this commercial is supposed to be selling, but we do know it features a mutant army of flowers being shepherded down a street by fertilizer-dogs. Forget robots, forget zombies—now we have to deal with the rise of the plants.