Friday: Normally, as per the form of this column, I’d tell you to drink some unfathomably large quantity of alcohol, do something stupid, sleep, and repeat the process. But you know what? Fuck that. This Friday, pop in a Joel Osteen DVD and chill the fuck out with some of your sober friends—STRAIGHT EDGE 4 LYFE. On your way to How To Be a Man in West Belfast at 8:15 in the WestCo Café, try to catch at least three (3) freshman with alcohol and report them to P-safe (or beat them up). Don’t let the fact that all your friends hate you detract from the sanctity of your mission or the feeling of superiority that will inevitably come with it. Pray for ten minutes for guidance before going to the Friends of Africa Benefit Concert at Psi U at 10:15—and make sure to bring some cash, as it costs $4 at the door. The money is going to help build a school for girls in Kenya, so shut the hell up and stop fucking grumbling.

Saturday: Wake up early—you’ll feel really refreshed after your first sober night all month. Feels good, doesn’t it? Not good enough. Fuck it, shotgun a beer (or four), and drunkenly apologize to your friends. Or not. Whatever you do, make sure you get your mind blown by She Unnames Them, the new postmodern opera, at 7 p.m. in the World Music Hall. I get the feeling that this show will leave you feeling like you’re the last person (or first person…) on earth—follow that instinct and REPOPULATE! You might be able to find a willing partner at the Pissed Jeans and Drunk Driver show at Eclectic from 9 p.m.—2 a.m. End your night outside of freshman Fauver, begging random freshmen to sleep with you. 

Sunday: Bro out.