How could anyone possibly be more of a badass than Professor Henry Jones Jr.? The dude embodies every ideal of the manly American: he’s a world-traveling, Nazi-punching, beautiful woman-bedding, treasure-collecting machine. But by far the most badass thing about Indy is his PhD. One of the world’s greatest action heroes apparently prepared for a career of Nazi-punching and beautiful woman-bedding by going to graduate school and writing a thesis. Some cynics might think that learning to be a badass from a book is problematic, but in reality, it makes Indy all the more impressive. In fact, Indiana Jones is an inspiration to all humanities students. I doubt anyone would ever finish reading Herodotus if we all didn’t secretly assume that having a working knowledge of ancient civilizations would allow us to melt Nazis with biblical artifacts. Han Solo is doubtlessly a badass, but I doubt he actually inspires a lot of people to become intergalactic smugglers.
Meanwhile, Indiana Jones packs one of the most ballsy instruments that an itinerant Nazi-puncher has ever packed: a goddamn bullwhip. Who would dare cross a man who routinely walks into battle with magical ancient beasts wielding nothing but a thick piece of leather and lives to tell the tale.
Also, it’s become traditional for us to end our Death Matches with an appraisal of who would win in a fight. I must point out that, technically speaking, Indiana Jones is immortal. I’m not too well versed in the rules of early Christian relics, but before he drank from the Holy Grail, he was pretty explicit that the cup of Christ confers eternal life. This was born out when he walked away from an exploding hydrogen bomb. How is Han Solo going to beat that?