HI MY NAME IS MYTHEOS HOLT, FOUNDER AND CEO OF MYTHEOLOGY. THE HISTORY BOOKS ARE WRONG. THE BOARD OF TRUSTEES DID NOT VOTE UNANIMOUSLY AGAINST RAYTHEON. I SINGLEHANDEDLY ****ED THEM ALL WITH MY GIANT RAYTHEON ICBM. MY MISSILE EXPLODED, SENDING LITTLE WHITE CLUSTER MUNITIONS INTO THEIR WARZONE. IF THEY TRY THAT DIVESTMENT SHIT WITH ISRAEL, I’LL **** THEM WITH MY DISPROPORTIONATELY RESPONSIVE ****. I GUARANTEE IT!

The worst part about the above is that it’s probably more coherent than most of the stuff that gets posted on the Anonymous Confessions Board (a similar comment, one of the very, very few ever written by the author, yielded the response “You’re hilarious, post more”). But despite all that, if the social habits of Wesleyan’s population are any guide, it’s an absolute requirement to read the ACB. Srsly. You have to read that thing, or you’ll get over 9000 spam messages and Catnarok will ensue. That, or Sonichu will do a barrel roll. Rules 1 and 2, Argus!

Now, the author has recently self-imposed a policy of not posting on the ACB, and wouldn’t read it if you paid him, considering that those few posts he has seen concerning his name have been either distortions of his views, useless amounts of vitriol concerning his clothing preferences or truly bizarre and disturbing bits of what may be admiration, or may just be mental illness (WHY DRACO MALFOY? WHY?!!!)  However, considering that the subject has recently become a campus-wide issue due to the entrepreneurship of one of the freshman class and due to the comments of this noble paper, it seems necessary to suggest ways to cope with an institution whose main purpose is to perpetuate malicious slander, even if (thankfully) that malicious slander is inaccessible via Google.

Now, unlike the editorial board, the author believes that the way to deal with such institutions is not to fight them, nor even to confront them at all. Rather, it’s to do what most online organizations with similar institutional mechanisms suggest one should do – not take it seriously and laugh it off, possibly with a few jokes at the expense of the organization itself, because being attacked anonymously on the internet is not actually the end of the world. There are far worse things to deal with, like socialist stimulus packages, Presidential demagoguery and Usdan’s attempts at cooking gourmet food.

However, as the author is also a great fan of the sorts of satire that propagate on far less reputable websites, it seems appropriate to explain the ACB in the context of those sites. To those who inquire why the author would bother with such a trivial subject, he replies only that he did it for the lulz.

Now, seeing as the author’s name is something of a meme on the ACB, it may illuminate the ACB’s activities if we consider the reaction which that meme engenders, and the role which this column has in the life cycle of the ACB. Generally, a Mytheos thread is considered to be an attempt at “trolling”, but it actually serves a very productive purpose for the person who originates the thread, and all those who reply which most people would not recognize.

The life cycle of a Mytheos thread begins when someone without convincing counterarguments reads this column and gets angry over his/her/hir/its lack of convincing counterarguments. This person then navigates to the ACB and posts a long diatribe about how much “MYTHEOS HOLT SUCKS OMG!!!1one,” and while this diatribe is being written, the person begins to foam at the mouth. This is not a sign of rabies, but a natural effect which the poster expects and wants to happen, because the foam can be harvested for useful purposes once it hardens. Some use it to construct foam swords which they beat each other up with every Thursday Night. Others slowly hoard the foam week by week until it is prodigious enough for them to build a fursuit (an object whose purpose will not be explained in this or any other column, an omission for which readers should be grateful).  Meanwhile, those who respond angrily generate amusement at their expense (“lulz”) for the original poster (especially if the poster actually is a troll). Eventually, someone catches onto the fact that they are being trolled with the author’s name, and hastily reminds everyone that Wesleyan is actually the ancient Greek City State of Sparta. Alternately, someone mentions the author’s prodigious liek for mudkipz, or decides to segue into a salute for Queen Boxxy. For those who don’t get the reference, lurk moar.

Anyway, TL;DR: The ACB is made of fail, but that doesn’t stop people from posting on it. Ignore it. Sure, it won’t go away, but at least it’s making someone money, and with the economy we’re living in, entrepreneurship is a valuable commodity. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go write a paper. It’s gonna be so cash.