As the snow on Andrus Field melts in a coquettish tease of the spring to come, the speculation over which bands will play Spring Fling is beginning to peak. Let’s take a look at some of the more interesting rumored contenders and weigh the pros and cons of each.
LIL’ WAYNE FOR SPRING FLING!
By far the most crowd-pleasing act on this shortlist. Weezy, fresh off of his soul-baring Katie Couric interview and a few Grammy wins, is at that meteoric part of his career when he can do no wrong. I can just picture him running onstage, shouting “Hello, Weezleyan!” and dropping hundreds of bars of jaw-dropping freestyles as girls’ panties rain down on his dreadlocked like Hurricane Katrina was blowing through a Victoria’s Secret. This guy is so good, I’d see him even if all he did was play “Prom Queen” and bounce to hit up Freshman Fauver in search of a long-haired Sicillian with a coconut derrière.
RAGE FOR SPRING FLING!
Rage Against the Machine would be unreal. In a musical world dominated by electronic and house acts trying to one-up each other with more sophisticated and high-tech analog synths, hearing Tom Morello make his mothership-liftoff freakouts with his Fender Telecaster would be a refreshing blast of nostalgia. This band rocks so hard they could even drive everyone’s favorite reactionary, Blargus contributor Mytheos Holt, to flip over a P-Safe car while wearing a “Free Mumia” shirt and declaring “Fuck you, I won’t do what you tell me!” However, the sad truth is that these radical anti-capitalists are probably way out of our price range.
ANIMAL COLLECTIVE FOR SPRING FLING!
The current toast of the Pitchfork Media crowd, the Merriweather Post Pavilion gang has just been anointed the “Obama of Pop” by the Argus’s own Rob Wohl. The new album is considered their bid for the mainstream and their light show is the best in music this side of Radiohead or those Australians who do Pink Floyd covers. The only downside would be the obnoxious hipster arguments over whether or not old freaked-out AC is better than the new, slightly less freaked-out AC. However, this debate could be isolated into WestCo and the rest of campus could just enjoy Panda Bear and Avey Tare in peace.
THE DEAD FOR SPRING FLING!
To commemorate their famous 72 concert, of course. Unless they do some Oliver Cromwell shit and exhume Jerry Garcia’s remains, this show would suck worse than a set by the second-best Dead impersonators, the reunited Phish.
BADFISH FOR SPRING FLING!
Hey, if Eclectic could fill their ballroom with fans eager to see a fake Strokes, then this fake Sublime would be a huge hit. They would also be cheap to book––a 45 minute set would only cost some sixers of Natty Ice, a few trucker hats with frayed brims, and an hour of Super Smash Brothers on the Gamecube.
NICKELBACK FOR SPRING FLING!
With the Arcade Fire in the studio, this is as close as we get to Canadian indie-rock in 2009.