For too long has America abandoned its commitment to class. The rise of Britney Spears over the last decade has erased everything that we once clung to in our music: she wrote non-catchy music, devoid of feeling and talent. Shamelessly marketed, she has come to represent everything that pop music shouldn’t be, and has foreshadowed this industry’s feeble end—a bald, insane laughing-stock that will feebly cling to its life.

But winds of change are blowing. Like a ray of warm sunlight on the coldest winter night, Taylor Swift has appeared, and she’s proved that pop stars don’t have to rely on synthesizers and lip-synching, on producers and phony multi-person dance routines. She has given us a choice, between the tired pop of the past and the new pop of the future—a genre that relies on genuine musical talent and lyrics full of emotion.

My friends! For too long we have stood, cowering, in the darkness enslaved by the power of our engorged libidos. For years and years our pop stars have symbolized the dark, seedy underbelly of our collective unconscious.

But there is hope! There is a shining light in the darkness, a call to arms for all those who wish for a more traditional America, a more loving America! And we cannot falter.

Students of Wesleyan! Rush to arms and show your tenacity, your courage, and your valor!