5. Columbus Day

If we’re going to celebrate genocide, we should probably only do it once a year. And we prefer the genocide celebration with cornbread.

4. Flag Day

Having this day implies that we shouldn’t honor the flag on every other day. In Real America, every day is Flag Day.

3. Mother’s Day/Father’s Day

Think of how orphans must feel on these holidays. Makes you feel a bit guilty, doesn’t it?

2. Labor Day

The creation of Labor Day in September was a transparent attempt by the Bosses to cut American workers off from their international brethren, who celebrate workers’ solidarity on May 1.

1. “The Holidays”

It’s supposed to be called CHRISTmas.