Dude, man. What’s going on? Did you hear that Sarah Palin had sex with a chicken? Yeah, dude, it was all over the Daily Kos, but of course the corporate-dominated, baby-seal-clubbing, Repuglican fascist cookie-jar-raiding, capitalist-dominated mainstream media full of Hannah-Montana brainwashed pigs won’t cover it. Markos Moulitsas is so fucking courageous, man. God. Not that I believe in God, just…God.

Anyway, you may be wondering why I’m talking like this. Well, I admit it. I’ve seen the error of my ways. I was advocating for the wrong side this whole time, and my eyes have been opened. I also see that my usage of long words and logic were horrifically evil instances of oppression, and for every four-syllable word I used, one black transgendered child with special needs went hungry for a day. So I’m trying to learn the vernacular (dammit, I did it again) of the Left and amend my column accordingly.

So…yeah, dude, I’ve got a problem. I think SDS will want to get on this, man, it’s huge. You’ve heard of slavery reparations? Well, I want to propose something even bigger: thumb reparations.

You see, I’ve realized something. We humans exist as a result of a horrible instance of past injustice. That is, if you believe in Darwinism, which I think you have to because the only other option is to believe in that horrible creationist crap that the crypto-fascist, redneck, racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic, gun-toting, borderline-retarded, mentally ill, social-construct-defending Christian Right believe in. I swear I’m not classist or religiously prejudiced or have any problems with retarded people. Seriously.

Of course, I realize that believing in Darwin only goes so far—biology, science and reality are all social constructs, after all. But I digress. The point is, human beings exist as a result of horrible oppression—I’m speaking of the oppression of the so-called Neanderthal man who didn’t have opposable thumbs and was forced to die out due to the thumb-normative biological process of evolution.

Now, I realize that a lot of the less socially conscious members of the student body still buy into thumbist views. They think those opposable instruments of oppression that they twiddle idly during class and use to do things like knead dough are harmless, non-politically charged objects. If only they knew how much blood was spilled for the sake of those fingers!

Imagine, if you will, the following situation: you’re a poor, defenseless Neanderthal ape. Whoops, sorry, I mean “non-conventional human.” Ape is so thumb-normative. Anyway, imagine that you’re a defenseless, Neanderthal non-conventional human. Whether you’re a man or a woman is irrelevant…fuck! I said “woman!” I meant to say, “vaginally gifted organism”! I’m sorry, it’s just hard for me to get used to this new language I have to speak on the Left.

Anyway, you’re a defenseless, Neanderthal non-conventional human, and it doesn’t matter whether you’re an EVIL FUTURE RAPIST (see, I didn’t say “man!”) or a vaginally gifted organism. Or anything else for that matter. Sorry, I just don’t have time to write out the names of the 5,362,439 other genders.

Anyway, imagine the above situation. Now imagine that some other white, male, heteronormative, straight non-conventional human suddenly develops opposable thumbs. And then this non-conventional human…no, fuck it, I’ll call him an “ape”—oppressors don’t deserve to have their feelings respected.

Anyway, imagine that this ape starts having kids, and soon all the other apes have opposable thumbs and start oppressing you and the other defenseless non-conventional humans by doing horrid things like getting all the bananas on the trees, or eating all the berries, or building structures with those arbitrary, socially constructed fingers! And just because that makes it easier for them to survive, you’re supposed to lie down and take that?! NO!

This doesn’t just apply to non-conventional humans. Scientists have been acting like the worst capitalists in their efforts to shut down discussion of all the marginalized species. Their apologias for this indefensible, cruel sort of privilege involves a lot of silly, prejudicial notions like “fitness” or “ability to survive” or, god forbid, “natural selection.” There’s nothing “natural” about it, and besides, “nature” doesn’t even exist!

You know, if people only realized that “nature” was a bunch of crap, all oppression would go away! For example, have you ever considered how many wars, genocides, exploitative behaviors and bad TV shows the supposedly apolitical concept of “oxygen” has been responsible for? You know, maybe if people didn’t use oxygen, these things wouldn’t happen. And don’t tell me that people who’ve held their breath for too long or tried to breathe something else have died! THOSE PEOPLE INHALED OXYGEN BEFORE TRYING TO DO IT! AN OXYGEN DEPRIVED SOCIETY HAS NEVER BEEN TRIED!

The same thing goes for evolution. Don’t ask me how, but it does. Seriously, I’m not going to justify this at all because logic is the worst, most repressive social construct of them all. All I’m going to say is that evolution and opposable thumbs are the most awful things on earth and need to be repaired by means of government stepping in and cutting off everyone’s thumbs.

Well…maybe not everyone’s. Just the rich. And anyone who actually uses them. If you just twiddle them, I guess that’s okay. Oh, and of course, it’s okay to have a thumb-possessed vanguard who makes sure this goes off without a hitch and…STOP WANTING ME TO MAKE SENSE! If you don’t see the problem, you’re a horrible thumbist oppressor with capitalist, sexist, racist, homophobic tendencies and (with no disrespect intended to my poor predecessors), I thumb my nose at you!

Jeez, it’s getting hot in this Halloween costume. No wonder radical liberals are so angry if they dress in uncomfortable shit like this all the time…oh well, at least it’s only for tonight.

  • Logicman

    Humf — but your premise is flawed — look it up: Neanderthals DID have opposable thumbs. Nice try, but Palin is still dumber than a cave-man …