5. Consumerism (as represented by zombies, especially in that ridiculously extended mall sequence in “Dawn of the Dead.”)

Hey man, look at those mindless hordes, stumbling around the suburban mall. How different would it really be if they were just out for brains instead of meaningless possessions, man. I’m sure the corporations would love to sell them brains, man. Goddamn corporations.

4. Technology (as represented by Frankenstein. And robots, obviously. And the internet in “.com for Murder.” Or that movie where cell phones killed people.)

We just don’t understand how the modern world works. How does the Internet work? What about cell phones? How do they re-animate the dead, anyway? And if we don’t understand something, isn’t it safest to just assume that anything we don’t understand will kill us? Speaking of which…

3. Foreigner Cultures (as represented by the creepy children in J-Horror, the assholes in “Hostel” and Dracula)

Clearly foreign cultures are evil. They have laws we don’t understand. They make funny-smelling food. They have funny accents. They kill without mercy or remorse. We don’t need to understand other peoples. We just need to stay the hell away from them.

2. Sex (as represented by every slasher movie ever)

Look kids, how many sequels do we need to make to “Friday the 13th” before you realize that God doesn’t want you to fuck? (Obviously Jason Voorhees is God. How else could he get resurrected so much?)

1. Puppets (as represented by Chucky)

Ok, Chucky doesn’t need to represent anything. He’s just terrifying. He may in fact be more terrifying than anything else in the world. We suspect that things are only scary insofar as they resemble satanic puppets.

  • gimpy

    please stop posting, this is really terrible.