Based on a true story:

“Well, it’s been fun showing you around campus, but I guess you should be getting back to the hotel… hmm, you’re right, that music is pretty loud. I wonder what’s going on. I was just planning on spending a quiet evening hanging out in my room, like I do every night. And, like, seriously, I have no idea what they’re planning to do with all of those Solo cups they just walked in with.

Wait, are you saying you think that people drink here? Shit, mom, I swear I had no idea that was going on. They must just be kidding around; you know, trying to freak you out and stuff. I’m sure that any second now they’ll come out and start studying for midterms. I told you—I have all of that juice in my fridge because I had a cold last week. Why else would it possibly be there?

So, are you ready to go back to the hotel now? Please? I have a paper I kind of want to get started on. What’s that? Oh, I’m sure those two people are going into that room together to work on a project. They just lock the door so that no one will interrupt them while they’re… collaborating. No, of course not, those rubber things in the bathroom are just for making balloon animals with.

That smell? It’s air freshener, of course. I’ve heard that that sweet, kind of skunky odor you’re picking up right now is Glade’s best seller. Yeah, it’s kind of gross, but you know how us college kids are. So, are you ready to leave yet?”