The Ampersand had a very good Homecoming Weekend. We got to see our parents, grandparents, and some really nice unemployed people (also known as recent Wesleyan alumni). But best of all was we got to take advantage of all the great seminars.

First, Michael Jackson stopped by to tell us what it was like writing the song “Thriller.” Apparently Michael Jackson didn’t even write the fucking song. He spent most of the session doing the zombie dance with Vincent Price’s corpse and getting away with Price’s death because he’s a smooth criminal.

Then we went to see the amazing observational humor of early ’90s comedian Joe Bolster. He had us in stitches the entire night. I mean what is up with sports coats? You don’t wear them when you’re playing sports. And why do the parents of ’09ers all talk like this when parents of ’11ers all talk like that. He had us asking, “What’s the deal?” all night.

And finally we went to see a seminar about teaching robots right from wrong. You have to be firm with your robot. Hit him with a newspaper when he does something wrong. Feed him treats when he behaves properly. Shoot him in the face when he contracts rabies. Robots are just like dogs, only Michael Vick never got in trouble for his robot rape stands.

-Brendan & Brian