Existential "Bop-It?"

Should you bop it, twist it, pull it, or run it like a wheel up a hill in hell? Existential “Bop-It” just doesn't know. Existential Bop-It has absolutely no inner essence, nor does it recognize what it really wants. You decide for “Bop-It.”

In all honesty, it's time for you to find the meaning of your own existence. The fact that the Existential “Bop-It” exists should be enough for you. It has no business telling you what to do. Fuck flick it. What does flick even mean? It's just a word.

In order to win the game, you must not do anything “Bop-It” tells you. Mimicry is death and you don't want to die playing Bop-It, do you? What kind of childhood would that be? You want to be able to hang out with hookers in the south of France, right? I mean, that's the way Nietzsche died.

This article was posted in the print edition as part of the Wesleyan Argus Ampersand. It is satire and should not be construed as fact.