So we here at the Ampersand have stopped doing comedy. We’re now cultural commentary page. It has come to our attention that many of the freshmen were not alive during the ’80s (a.k.a. the greatest decade ever). We now consider it our job to recall for you our memories during this amazing decade.

First of all, as we remember it, there were a lot of Cheerios. We ate that shit all the time, and not because it was good for our hearts. We ate them because it was the only solid food we were allowed to eat. Furthermore, we and our friends didn’t even need to use a toilet. We would just sit in our own filth and nobody cared.

Secondly, the economy was sweet. In fact, none of our friends had jobs. Neither did our Moms. For a long time our Moms were our only means of sustenance. We saw boobs all the time.

Also, I didn’t have to walk anywhere. In the ’90s if you didn’t walk your Dad thought you had cerebral palsy. In the ’80s he carried you everywhere. And when he carried you out on the street, people would just come up to you and tell you how good you looked. The ’80s did wonders for your self-esteem. Boy, did you guys miss out!

In the ’80s school was a breeze. You just had to make sure you didn’t mix up paste with milk. Also, they let you sleep all the time. You didn’t even have to have mono.

We would have killed ourselves if we were born in 1990!