In one of the saddest moments in recent Wesleyan history, students awoke Monday morning to find that the sustainable, environmentally friendly community that they had worked so hard to cultivate had been shattered. Slathered on the door of a second floor dorm room in Clark Hall was, to the utter dismay of EON members and also other people, a most offensive and destructive brand of graffiti.

“The words written behind me represent a hatred that, despite years of legislation and cross-cultural dialogue, still plagues our society,” said EON member Theodore Newcombe ’10, speaking to a throng of dismayed students that hastily assembled in front of the offensive graffiti. “You may have thought that all this disrespect for living things disappeared in the sixties, but it’s very much alive. We’ve got to fight the power, throw up a fist, and zooma zoom zoom in their collective boom booms!”

With those last remarks, and with the crowd in an uproar, Newcombe pulled out a portable halocarbon monitor. “Look at the readings on this thing! There are over 8000 CFC parts per millimeter in the direct vicinity of this paint!” he yelled, whipping the assembled masses into a frenzy. “This is the type of injustice that makes me want to sit down on a bus and just be pissed off… if I were to ever ride on a bus, which I would never do, because I’m not a hate-mongering Earth destroyer.”

“We have a dream at EON, that paint will not be judged by its color, but rather by the content of its chemical character,” said Lily Montegro ’09. “That, by any means necessary, we will defend the rights of Mother Earth, Father O-Zone, Uncle Erosion, and Cousin Chlorophyll.”

Some students, however, seemed to empathize with the vandal’s Earth-slaughtering intentions. “Doesn’t anyone care that someone wrote the n-word in giant letters across my door?” asked naïve and myopic Clark resident Mike Reynolds ’11.

“Oh yes, we care that they wrote the n-word: NEGLIGENCE!” responded Newcombe. “Environmental negligence, that is. And they wrote it, metaphorically, that is. Literally, they wrote something entirely different. But, I mean, metaphorically, the writing’s right there on the wall! The metaphorical wall. Not the wall behind me. Don’t look at that wall.”