Students get ‘Contact’ high
MIDDLETOWN, Conn. — While many students passionately celebrated the highs of cannabis culture (zing!) this past Sunday on Foss Hill, a select group of Wesleyanites found themselves duped into illicit inebriation against their will. In trying to separate themselves from the hippie-stoner fray, yet still enjoy Sunday’s festivities, many students felt the unmistakable effects of a “’Contact’ high.” While commonly derided as an urban legend, ’Contact’ highs are very much a reality, and can often be as potent as a more conventional direct-inhalation high.
“We were just sitting around, chilling in my room, and I was like, does anyone want to listen to ’Mr. Jones?’” recalled Howie Adams ’10. “And everyone said no, because we had just listened to ’Hangin Around.’ But it’s just a really great song, you know? Like, sometimes when I look into the TV, I wanna see me, staring right back at me.” Carl Andrews ’10 who was in Adams’s room at the time, witnessed the phenomenon. “So, Howie wanted to put on ’Mr. Jones,’” but I’m just like, how much Counting Crows can you get, you know?” Andrews said. “Not that much, man. It’s, like, too much sometimes. You know, you can only see a sunset, like, twelve hours after you see a sunrise. You can’t see them RIGHT after each other. That’d just be too much. Like a sunsret.”
“But then he asks if we want to watch ’Contact,’” Andrews continued. “I mean, Jodie Foster. One word: wow. Is she a kind of busted chick, or a really pretty guy? Man, I DON’T EVEN KNOW. Oh my God, I think I’m gay.” Apparently, the stunning visuals, highly-advanced-thermonuclear-physics-made-simple, and Matthew McConaughy produce an effect of near-stonedness, as if one had actually smoked marijuana, or, even more potent, acted in the film ’Contact.’ “Man, when she dropped through the actuator in that ball thingy, and then went to outer space, and there, was, like, a beach in outer space… I ate, like, eighty Funions,” Andrews said.
Wesleyan appeals for common courtesy from Gallagher Bros.
Honestly, Liam and Noel, a phone call would be nice. On Sunday I found myself sitting on Foss Hill wondering where were you while we were getting high? Today was going to be the day, but I guess I’ll never smoke pot with you. By now you should have somehow realized what you’re not to do. It is time you start being held accountable for your actions. Time after time you leave us hanging. Your truancy is just not acceptable. I’m trying awfully hard not to look back in anger, but it is not easy. Sometimes I find myself walking down the hall, faster than a cannonball, just thinking how much your friendship means to our community and it really hurt that you did not take the time out of your schedule to show up. I know you are both very busy with your drinking, fighting, and teenage girl wooing. But still.
Someday, I may find you caught beneath the landslide. In which case, I apologize. I guess that is a pretty legitimate excuse. But I’ve been checking the news feed and there has not been a landslide in California, India, or any of the other natural disaster usual suspects. You really let us down this weekend. And we still do not know why. Why-why-why-why-i-i.
Beatles reunite on Foss Hill
Oh man, The Beatles played on Foss Hill for 4/20. It was epic. My bro told me that it was actually a band covering the Beatles, but there’s no way. When I yelled to my other bro, Richard, who was late coming to the hill because he had to get an entire meal for lunch. I mean I can kind of understand why he didn’t want to just have snacks for lunch, but like it was the way he went about it. He was all like, “I need a whole meal for lunch bro, I’m like hungry and I need this whole meal. Like if I don’t get a full meal my blood sugar will get real low and I’ll feel guilty if I accidentally run into Wilford Brimley, or die.” It was really weird. But anyway, I yelled to my boy Richard and the drummer for the band looked up at me. At first I was a little confused about it, but then I remembered that Ringo Starr’s name is Richard Starkey. Don’t you see? It had to be The Beatles. Plus, they all looked a little bigger than Jesus did the time I did acid. But that’s another story.
Editor’s note
We just tried to go get hot dogs at this place called Higganie’s, all of us were stoned and he was really stoned the whole time he’s like praying for his life, he’s like imagining what his world will be like he thought he thought he thought he thought he thought the place went out of business. This is the meeting, this is the meeting that we’re having, that pizza is so small it makes you feel like a giant doesn’t it make you feel like a massive little person eating a thing the worlds are flying on the page teach, they’re going so good.
Again and again and again. Those wings and breasts are what I need, the way doves cry for their mommies and regurgitated food. Mmmmm, worms…what the fuck is up with bad Arnold Schwarzzenegger impersonators and their horrible hairdos? Apparently, women CAN drive. Danica Patrick is my hot hero. A hot hero with buffalo wings and melted cheese and shit. Dominos and their fucking conspiracy with their lamb. That lamb that I want. So bad so bad so badly I know I can’t stop thinking about kobe, touch me kobe. Nono, I won’t press charges. ON FIRRRREEEE actually in flames all in the top five.