In a stunning report from the Office of Admission at Wesleyan University, it has been revealed that God, the almighty and all knowing, has applied to the University. What is even more stunning, however, is that the Creator was rejected from the highly selective school.
“He failed to comply with our most basic guideline: to file a single application,” said the Dean of Admission. “We received three instead, one named the Father, the other the Son and the third, the Holy Ghost.”
All applications, however, according to the dean of Admission, listed the same qualifications.
“Here at Wesleyan, we consider a number of factors,” the Dean of Admission said, and then went on to explain where God’s application fell short. “His grades were disappointing, as he had failing grades in science and dropped philosophy after the first semester.
In conference with high school counselors, the dean of Admission also said that she discovered that the second semester is usually the time in philosophy when existentialism is taught, which, according to her, demonstrated that God was closed-minded.
“If he dropped a course because he didn’t agree with its ideas…he obviously would not have made a good student at Wesleyan,” she said. “Here, we value diversity.”
Aside from that, there were other problems with God’s application. First, deity was listed under ethnicity and, as deity was not currently recognized as an underrepresented minority on the University’s campus, this failed to help Him in its affirmative action policies.
Also, according to Chair and Professor of Physics, who interviewed the Creator, God came across as egotistical. His essay, “The Ten Commandments,” was also considered substandard, as it lacked varied sentence structure and overused the phrase “Thou shalt not.” His extracurriculars, according to the Dean of Admission, were also suspicious.
“There was something about ’the Flood,’ which we took to be a reference to the popular video game ’Halo,’” she said.
Community service was a strong point of the application, but the University found it impossible to verify, as all of the churches that God had supposedly worked for wouldn’t give exact hours of His service. They only said, “He works in mysterious ways.”
The department also uncovered a variety of perjury charges by Zoroaster, Kali and Zeus, which “put us off,” the Dean of Admission said, “as Wesleyan has a strong honor code.”
The Dean of Undergraduate Admissions at Yale University, who chose to admit the Almighty upon reviewing His application, said, “I always knew those hippies at Wesleyan were dumber than us.” The Dean of Admissions at Harvard University waitlisted the creator, but took the dim view that “he would not enhance intellectual diversity at Harvard because every student here already confuses their identity with His.”
Wesleyan’s rejection, however, has since lost the University thousands of applicants. Studies showed that applications from the Midwest and Southern areas of the United States have dropped by 100 percent. So many philosophers have resigned in protest that, at this point, the only philosophy course available at the University is a Freshman Year Initiative course entitled “There is no God, only Richard Rorty,” which is being taught by the president of the University
When asked to comment on God’s rejection, the president responded, “Rorty. College of the Environment. Rorty. Chalking is stupid. Rorty. I’m so young and edgy Rorty. I’m so intellectual I — theses on Hegel. Rorty.”
When asked if her university might reconsider the decision, the Dean of Admission slammed her fist down on the table angrily.
“I’m sorry,” she said hotly, “but we do not usually admit applicants like this, and it is risking a lower yield to admit someone whose existence we cannot even verify!”
Especially vocal against the University’s rejection is the Reverend Pat Robertson, who suggested that “we ought to shoot Wesleyan’s dean of Admission right in the face,” and then swore that he had been quoted out of context. Osama bin Laden delivered a videotaped message to the University in which he threatened to “bomb the — out of them if they didn’t let Allah in when and if He applied.”
The Argus was unable to obtain comment from the Creator because, according to His press secretary, Simon Peter, “He has decided that if Richard Dawkins can get tenure at Cambridge, he must not exist.”